Because the Earth is round and time is a flat circle, The Bachelor’s Alex and Richie have thrown us off the scent again, making fans DESPERATE to KNOW if they are STILL together.
I capitalise those random words for no real reason other than to illustrate HOW MUCH fans want to know and how much they like yelling about it. Because who said yelling at celebrities in the comment sections of their Instagram accounts wasn’t a hobby eh?!?!
Anyway. I digress.
Today is ex-Bachelor but maybe a Bachelor again Richie Strahan’s birthday.
And because your birthday only actually exists if your significant other publicly bids you a happy birthday on Instagram (and by that logic none of my last five birthdays ever happened – my boyfriend is a … dreamboat!), Alex Nation took to the platform to wish her boyfriend a happy birthday.
And oh my goodness, who knew something so innocent would cause so much turmoil and the need for
an investigative journalist me to break it all down.
This is what she said:
“Big Happy Birthday to this guy! To think it’s been a year since we were both submerged in Lindt chocolate together. What a ride! I’m proud of how far you have come and I can’t wait to see what you do next!”
The caption was accompanied by a photo of the couple at least a metre apart and followed by three emojis: a firework (is that a thing that can be singular?), a champagne bottle and… a fist pump. Like the one you do with your buddy-buddy.
My braaaaain. It huuuurts.
Fans were quick to dissect the post’s meaning too, because who has actual work to do on a Friday afternoon?
“She didn’t mention the word LOVE in that Birthday msg? I think they are remaining friends but my intuition is telling me Alex broke it off a while ago… just sayin,” one said.
“Not lovey dovey at all,” another added.
And then my favourite, which encapsulates all that is good in a dedicated fan:
“WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??!!!????!!!??!?”
You can shame me all you want for throwing around what you assume are baseless theories about a relationship I have little to nothing to do with (actually nothing, nothing at all), but you should also know people consider the Illuminati a real and legitimate thing and therefore you’re clearly wasting your time hating me.
So with that in mind, I’m breaking this one down.
Arguments FOR a break up:
- The one metre apart stance, no hand holding in sight. They’re not even TOUCHING. (Sorry for yelling.)
- The many uses of the word “you” and blatant omission of the word “we”
- They’re not making eye contact, you’re not in love unless you’re locking eyes at every possible moment
- Richie’s checking his left pocket… in an attempt to find where their love has gone…
- There is no couple dressing, only good couples couple dress
- THERE IS NO HEART EMOJI PLS
- Alex is turning away, probably hiding her tears from the camera
- The colour scheme is grey to represent the death of their relationship
- The cuff on his left pants leg is slightly off. If they were still dating, Alex would fix that
- Richie is wearing a dark jacket, and is therefore in mourning
- “What a ride” – did no-one tell them even the best rides end?!
- They are surrounded by water and water is flimsy and not strong
- They are standing on different tiles
- They are both wearing watches, to indicate their time is up
- Alex’s skirt is blowing in the wind, just like their relationship is blowing away
- I don’t know, it’s just a birthday message. What the heck do I know?
I’ll be seeing you in the next instalment of let’s-take-guesses-about-Alex-and-Richie-and-their-future.
Do you think we need new hobbies?
Love TV, especially reality TV? You need to listen to The Binge.
Cut the crap.