"Eight things I will do instead of watching the AFL Grand Final."

Meh. I’m off to IKEA.

Someone on the radio this morning described this weekend as ‘the biggest day of the year in every Aussie’s calendar’.

And for the fiftieth time this week, I produced the sound that pops out of my mouth every time someone mentions the AFL Grand Final.


It’s not that I hate football. I’m more than happy for people to cheer when the shooters throw a touchdown over the net. Or the kickers flip the ball inside the end zone, or goal the huddle past the pitch post, or whatever the hell happens down there.

I just could not care less. I have checked all my pockets and even down the back of my couch, but nope, I don’t have a single f**k to give.

i don't care judy garland
Judy gets me.

But you know what the best thing about Grand Final day is? Most people care. (At least, according to this radio station I was listening to, and everyone in my NewsFeed, and the Victorian Government.)

Which means I will have a great day on Saturday. Because for a few wonderful hours while the country watches a bunch of dudes in short-shorts jump the ball into the scrum (or whatever), I will have a blissful afternoon of short queues, quiet roads, and post-apocalypse-style peace.

Eight Things I Will Do Instead Of Watching The Grand Final.

1. Go to IKEA.

It’s Saturday arvo. Where are all the desperate home-builders hogging all the checkout cues? Where are all the annoying children getting stuck inside display cupboards? Where are all the angry customers returning their Klaakenflorgen Wardrobe Systems because half the screws are missing? Oh, wait. I HAVE THE WHOLE PLACE TO MYSELF. And seventy sad employees to help me carry my excessive purchases.

2. Eat a late lunch at a fancy hipster cafe.

Usually I wouldn’t bother joining the two-hour cue for a specialty coffee and organic cronut at The Grounds of Alexandria, but hell yes. Imma walk straight in, thank you very much!

And a cronut.

3. Go to the beach.

It’ll be like zombies have scared away all the beachgoers. I’ll spread my towel wherever I damn please.

4. Fly somewhere other than Melbourne.

If you want to fly to Melbourne this weekend, it’ll cost you an arm, a leg, an eyeball, two kidneys, a high-class watch and the eighth book in the Harry Potter series. But flying somewhere else? Airlines will practically pay you. Whitsundays, anyone?

self high five

5. Get a good gelati on a hot day.

It’s going to be a beautiful day in most Aussie cities. And for the first time on a hot day, I’m going to get straight to the front of the cue at Messina. I’ll try all the flavours, thank you.

6. Spread myself out at the cinema.

I really hate how tickets are allocated at the cinema during popular sessions these days. But during Grand Final, I’ll be able to get a seat right in the middle of the theatre, plus one for my popcorn, and one for my self-satisfaction.

Mine. All mine.

7.  Take my dog to the dog park.

My doggy loves a good social hour, running around smelling the other dog’s butts, but you know who would rather be anti-social? Me. I can’t always be bothered discussing the shiny coat of a strangers’ Staffy. So bring on some alone time with my pooch on a sunny stretch of grass.

8. Vacuuming.

I hate vacuuming. But now you understand how I feel about the ol’ GF.

So, my dear fellow Aussies, I hope you enjoy the Grand Final game this weekend. I hope the teams putt in lots of goal points. I hope you all have a really, really great day.

I know I will.

chrisopher walken dance
Ain’t nobody gonna stop me.
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