If there’s one thing we don’t talk about enough, it’s soiling ourselves.
Which is actually a joke, because there’s no doubt the would be fine without in-depth descriptions about how someone’s bowel may or may not have betrayed them in the most inconvenient places.
Alas, it didn’t stop the people of Reddit coming together to share their tales of self-soiling in the most explicit kind of way. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
One story started with a user taking a drug test in the military. For obvious reasons, it didn’t end well.
“The observer normally just kind of stands behind you, but this dude was all up on my d*ck. My bladder kind of got shy, so I tried to force it out. I tried a little too hard and ended up sharting. It was enough that I felt it run down my leg. I had to play it cool and turn in my sample bottle, and sign paper work while covered in shit. Good times,” he wrote.
Sounds like it!
Like all good things, another story all came to a head in the drive-thru of McDonald’s.
“I farted in the car on my way to work. I thought it felt weird – maybe a bit bubbly,” the comment began.
(Continue reading at your own peril.)
“I figured it was because the heated seat was making my ass crack sweaty. I stopped at the drive thru to get breakfast and felt something squishing between my buttcheeks when I leaned over to get my wallet.
“I remember the cashier at McDonald’s asking me if I’m OK because I must have had a strange look on my face when I realised I pooped my pants.”
This family is living without technology, toys or toilet paper. How do they do it?
One more explained how they accidentally…let it slip… on the way to a job interview.
“I used to live around one mile from a train station, and I had to run to catch a train for a job interview. So I was in my best suit, running for a train, when I needed to fart. Never, ever trust a fart.
“So I sharted while running. I managed to catch the train and disposed of my shitty undercrackers in the train toilet. Got to my interview on time, in commando.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, they didn’t get the job.
“I drank waaaay too much coffee before going to a yoga class with my sister one morning,” another story began.
"Afterwards we went out for breakfast at a [cafe] and consumed some seriously greasy food and even more coffee. About an hour later I'm browsing at a craft store and the perfect storm of coffee, grease, and relaxed muscles hits.
"While standing in the beading aisle I let what I thought was only going to be fart loose. It was not a fart, it was hot liquid shit. I tied my jacket around my waist and butt clench shuffled out the door. The whole drive home I wondered if a human being could actually die of embarrassment."
And finally, a big shout out to the woman who managed to soil herself while sitting on the toilet.
"I was wearing a very comfortable pair of lace panties. I also had the flu. Rushed to the toilet and pulled down my pants, didn't realise until I went to wipe that I didn't pull down my underwear. Everything pretty much went straight through the underwear."
As you were.