One thing you may not know about me – in fact, it’s something I didn’t know or appreciate about myself until I spent some time alone – is that I love nothing more than to be loved, just like I love nothing more than to love. It’s probably why I’ve found this nine month period so challenging. I’m struggling more with the fact that I don’t have a person to confide in and snuggle at night more than I ever thought I would. How funny is it that out of everything, I just miss having someone to tell everything to and get a simple cuddle when I need it?
A question I’m often asked is: “do you regret having kids young now?” My answer to that will forever be no. I sometimes wish I was born in another generation with my kids so they don’t have to have their hearts absolutely shattered by a boy who was silly and didn’t see their worth! (Biased mother, but my kids are going to be great catches I know it). The problem these days is that people are just far too afraid of commitment.
It’s like being with the same person for the rest of your life is a bad thing. Or am I just an old soul? Is it now not cool to be happy with the one person anymore? (Someone please tell me because I’m dying over here trying to figure it out.) The only thing I’d regret with my children would be showing them how to hate and fight. It is not what I, as a co-parenting Mum, want to expose them to. And it’s something I’ll continue to try and avoid by making things work in a somewhat functional manner. As hard as it is, the lessons they learn from it far outweigh my feelings.
My whole adult life, all I’ve known is love. I’ve fought hard to keep it. I’ve fought as it broke right before my very eyes and now I’m fighting to get rid of it while I try and find it. I’m so sick of fighting with this feeling! Why does it have to control so much of life? Why is it all I seem to search for and feel I need to validate myself with? You can’t love someone unless you love yourself – so they say – but how can you love yourself when the person you loved didn’t want to love you anymore either? I just don’t get it.