A letter to my girls…
I think you’re growing up beautifully. Although you have had two completely different upbringings, you are both as happy as can be. You’ve experienced so many memorable moments and very few sad ones in your short time here on earth, which I take great comfort in.
This current situation isn’t necessarily sad for you girls right now, I think its more for myself as your mum. Although you are still so little that you don’t quite know what is going on, I know there will come a time where you will start to realise. So what will I do then? How do I answer your questions? I suppose we will deal with that when the time comes.
A part of me just breaks for you girls. I feel so incredibly sad that I cannot give you the same upbringing that I had. I got to grow up watching my Mum and Dad love and choose each other every single day. Hard times occurred from time to time, but it was never a problem for them as they remained so united and did everything they could for us kids to be happy.
They taught us hard lessons in these times of struggle; the main being that when tough times occur, love even harder. They taught us morals. When it would have been easier to pack up and leave sometimes, they found more reasons to stay. They’ve never done, or would do anything to jeopardise that. I’ll find someone like that one day. We will girls, I just know it.
Sure, I saw my Mum and Dad have fights when I was younger. I dreaded ever being a child of divorce and luckily for me, it never happened. Fights and disagreements are a part of life but I think that as a child, when you see your mum and dad not agreeing straightaway, you think the worst. Because we were such a close family and raised so goddamn well, being so young my little brain just started thinking the silliest of scenarios and I’d find myself having nightmares waking up thinking I’m going to have to choose between them. To Mum and Dad it was nothing and the love they had for each other outweighed all the mishaps, but to a young child it was scary. I’m so glad you girls have my Mum and Dad to guide you too.
Here I am today though, 23 years old with parents who love each other and have just celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. How amazing is that? Four kids, four grandchildren, through sickness and health, business failures and successes, deaths and just life in general, they’re still killing it together. I’m actually shedding a tear just thinking about it because it was them who made me think I could do it too.
Maybe that’s why I held on for so long? What I failed to realise is that what they have is special and you can’t just find that with anyone. I always joke to my parents that they are selfish for setting an unrealistic example because I have failed miserably in the ‘love’ department. I’ll find him though; I will find that amazing man that’s meant to be in my life forever and I will abuse the shit out of him for having let me go through hell to find him!
LISTEN: Birds Nest Parenting is a popular method of parenting for when parents split up. Post continues after audio.
Girls, you might not get the united family. The typical mum and dad in the one house sharing love and laughter together every night. The big family Christmas, Easter and birthdays with all the families together in the same room getting along. What I can promise you though is that you’ll get loved twice as much by me. I’ll try twice as hard to keep you safe. I’ll try twice as hard to make sure you never go a day thinking that any of this was your fault. If it wasn’t for you, then my heart would have never felt a love so deep. I’d go through hell and back a million times to get you two again and again and it’s you two who get me out of this hell every single day.
You girls need your mum right now, but I can promise you I need you so much more. Some days it might seem that you make it tough on me, and I’d be lying if I said you didn’t! But please know that I’m not angry at you, I’m angry at how I ended up in this position. I’m angry at life for putting me on this path. I’m angry at the fact that someone can feel this kind of pain and the lack of support from certain people is astounding. I’m angry that if I have a bad day and want to crawl into a ball and hide, I can’t.
I’m the mum, and as a mum, I have an important role to play. If we fail this role, if we don’t teach you lessons on how to be a decent human early then what hope have you got in being one? I don’t think I’ve failed just yet, I think I’m doing an incredible job. Gosh, those two smiles I wake up to every single day are better than anything I’ve ever seen. When I hear you say “I love you so much” Milla, it makes going to bed alone oh so worth it. Give me the single mum title and you two girls any day of the week, and that goes for all the single mums, I’m sure! We’ve got this.
Mum, Dad; thank you. I’m so proud of the relationship I have with both of you. Your hearts are bigger than most and how special that my girls can take a piece of my childhood with them every time we go over the ‘Bumpy Bump’ and visit in Bendigo. I hope when the girls are older, they come back home to me like we do with you. I hope they think the world of me, like we all do with you. But more than anything, I hope they understand that they too can be loved and experience a love exactly like yours and their story doesn’t have to be like mine.
Lastly to my girls: I can’t promise you the world, but I can promise you I’ll forever make you the centre of mine. I can’t promise you that I’ll never make mistakes, but I can promise I’ll always try my best. I can’t promise I’ll catch you every time you fall, but I can promise I’ll always be there to help you back up. I can’t promise to always be your Number One Fan, but I promise to raise you right even if it does cause us to fight.
Love your Mor Mor xx