Watching Fifty Shades Freed, the “climax” of the Fifty Shades trilogy, is a bit like getting drunk behind the science building in high school because you took one too many swigs of vodka from the dusty old bottle your friend swiped from their parent’s kitchen.
It all seems quite scandalous, exciting and a little hilarious when you’re in the moment, but the next day all you’re left with is a slight tinge of regret and a bit of a headache.
But at least your pain leaves you with an impressive story to tell.
“Oh my God I watched Fifty Shades Freed last night…” has replaced the usual story opener of, “Oh my God I got so drunk last night I accidentally set my own hair on fire last night.” At least for now, seeing as it hits cinemas this week.
So, my story for today is that I watched Fifty Shades Freed last night and here’s a step by step recap of every heinous moment.
The movie opens with our lip-chewing heroine Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) popping on a white lace dress to marry her pouty, bondage-loving millionaire (who never seems to do any actual work) true love Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). The man who, when it comes to throwing tantrums, gives toddlers across the world a real run for their money.
Christian and Ana’s wedding is a strangely joyous occasion to watch, since Ana has pulled off the impressive feat of being able to change Christian from a selfish, abusive commitment-phobe to a caring and committed husband who is just wild about the idea of matrimony.
All by using just the power of her love, her knowledge of books and her perfect alabaster skin.