Watching Fifty Shades Freed, the “climax” of the Fifty Shades trilogy, is a bit like getting drunk behind the science building in high school because you took one too many swigs of vodka from the dusty old bottle your friend swiped from their parent’s kitchen.
It all seems quite scandalous, exciting and a little hilarious when you’re in the moment, but the next day all you’re left with is a slight tinge of regret and a bit of a headache.
But at least your pain leaves you with an impressive story to tell.
“Oh my God I watched Fifty Shades Freed last night…” has replaced the usual story opener of, “Oh my God I got so drunk last night I accidentally set my own hair on fire last night.” At least for now, seeing as it hits cinemas this week.
So, my story for today is that I watched Fifty Shades Freed last night and here’s a step by step recap of every heinous moment.
The movie opens with our lip-chewing heroine Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) popping on a white lace dress to marry her pouty, bondage-loving millionaire (who never seems to do any actual work) true love Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). The man who, when it comes to throwing tantrums, gives toddlers across the world a real run for their money.
Christian and Ana’s wedding is a strangely joyous occasion to watch, since Ana has pulled off the impressive feat of being able to change Christian from a selfish, abusive commitment-phobe to a caring and committed husband who is just wild about the idea of matrimony.
All by using just the power of her love, her knowledge of books and her perfect alabaster skin.
I have to say that I find this all very inspiring and uplifting, I haven’t been this buoyed up by hope and love since Oprah stood on stage at the Golden Globes and said “a new day is on the horizon!”
Knowing that you can change a rubbish man with just a touch of persistence and a dash of allowing yourself to be chained up in a room the colour of Ronald MacDonald’s hair is definitely a good thought to keep in your mind as we all head into the weekend.
Listen: Laura Brodnik and a whole lot of Mamamia staffers talk through the funniest and hardest to watch moments from Fifty Shades Darker.
After Ana and old ‘resting serial killer face’ Grey return from their honeymoon (just a little romantic European jaunt where Ana dared to scandalously slip off her bikini top while lazing about on a nude beach, prompting Christian to kindly punish her with somewhat consensual yacht sex. Don’t listen to the haters, folks, romance is not really dead!) they get stuck into the nitty gritty elements of wedded life.
Just like any other newly married couple, Ana and Christian set about navigating everyday domestic obstacles as a team.
Just run-of-the-mill, everyday stuff that any married couple has tackled before. Like, how do they decide who will cook dinner? Or, what is to be done when your husband is a dominating sex maniac with boundary issues who gets his feelings hurt when you refuse to use your married name on the email address you use for work at the company he bought for you?
And what’s a girl to do when the ex-boss who sexually assaulted her somehow breaks into her house despite the copious amounts of security guards her husband hired and the only thing she has on hand to restrain him are sexy-time handcuffs that have most definitely not been washed since their last outing?
In order to give themselves a break from the strenuous weekly grind of home invasions and kinky sex, Ana and Christian whisk away a small group of their friends (and when I say ‘friends’ I mean Christian’s adopted siblings, Ana’s college best friend who really should know better and some random guy I think is meant to be dating Rita Ora’s character but honestly at this stage could have just wandered in from the wilderness) up to a mountain retreat.
In this opulent cabin in the woods we are treated to a whole lot of languishing shots of Christian and Ana in bed together, where he sleeps peacefully, no doubt dreaming happily about nailing small blindfolded birds to the walls of his pleasure room.
Next to him, Ana awakes suddenly from a nightmare, and not because of the fact that she’s chained herself for life to a man whose only emotionally stable commitment is to the slightly confused frown he insists on wearing on his face at all times.
Ah, now…how do I put this next part delicately without sounding like a complete sleazebag who should be kept 500 metres away from schoolyards at all times?
There's just not enough kinky sex this time around.
Like, at this point in the movie, it's been a mighty long time between extended bondage room scenes where the audience can shriek freely and throw their popcorn at the screen, you know what I'm saying?
Oh, jokes one me, because the next scene is a total "be careful what you wish for" moment where Ana and Christian rendezvous in the kitchen and start having a sexy romp on the nearby dining table, a table that was just sitting their minding it's business. And yet, the biggest victim of this scene is without a doubt the innocent tub of ice-cream Ana had plucked from the fridge in order to sooth her nightmare induced nerves.
That poor container of dairy ends up being smeared in and licked from places that only an experienced doctor should ever really visit. And even then only in cases of dire emergency.
Just remember the fate of that ice-cream next time you're complaining about having a bad day...
Then, since a twisted Twilight-based tale of a virginal young women falling in love with a man who only enjoys sex when whips are involved isn't quite exciting enough, the whole thing suddenly switches gears and morphs into a Taken-like action movie.
A movie that unfortunately does not give us a Liam Neeson cameo but does deliver on a touch of awkward acting courtesy of Dakota Johnson, who at this stage of the game can't even manage to muster up a hint of excitement in her performance as she negotiates her way through a volatile hostage situation.
I swear, that woman has been on the cusp of muttering the safe word that will allow her to exit this franchise the entire time the cameras have been rolling.
If you're keen on watching the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise for a bit of raunchy, funny escapism then out of all the movies in the trilogy, Fifty Shades Freed has the most potential to rock your socks in that direction.
And if you're just looking to inject a little bit of pain and trauma into your life because you haven't yet reached a stage of self love, I feel compelled to warn you that this film contains a scene of Christian Grey performing a non-ironic version of Paul McCartney's Maybe I'm Amazed. And, if you want to watch that sort of thing, may God have mercy on your immortal soul.
Guys, we now live in a world with a completed Fifty Shades of Grey franchise that is guaranteed to be the talk of the town for at least the next week. So be careful out there and look out for each other.
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Fifty Shades Freed is now playing in cinemas across Australia.