Watching Fifty Shades Freed, the “climax” of the Fifty Shades trilogy, is a bit like getting drunk behind the science building in high school because you took one too many swigs of vodka from the dusty old bottle your friend swiped from their parent’s kitchen.
It all seems quite scandalous, exciting and a little hilarious when you’re in the moment, but the next day all you’re left with is a slight tinge of regret and a bit of a headache.
But at least your pain leaves you with an impressive story to tell.
“Oh my God I watched Fifty Shades Freed last night…” has replaced the usual story opener of, “Oh my God I got so drunk last night I accidentally set my own hair on fire last night.” At least for now, seeing as it hits cinemas this week.
So, my story for today is that I watched Fifty Shades Freed last night and here’s a step by step recap of every heinous moment.
The movie opens with our lip-chewing heroine Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) popping on a white lace dress to marry her pouty, bondage-loving millionaire (who never seems to do any actual work) true love Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan). The man who, when it comes to throwing tantrums, gives toddlers across the world a real run for their money.
Christian and Ana’s wedding is a strangely joyous occasion to watch, since Ana has pulled off the impressive feat of being able to change Christian from a selfish, abusive commitment-phobe to a caring and committed husband who is just wild about the idea of matrimony.
All by using just the power of her love, her knowledge of books and her perfect alabaster skin.
I have to say that I find this all very inspiring and uplifting, I haven’t been this buoyed up by hope and love since Oprah stood on stage at the Golden Globes and said “a new day is on the horizon!”
Knowing that you can change a rubbish man with just a touch of persistence and a dash of allowing yourself to be chained up in a room the colour of Ronald MacDonald’s hair is definitely a good thought to keep in your mind as we all head into the weekend.
Listen: Laura Brodnik and a whole lot of Mamamia staffers talk through the funniest and hardest to watch moments from Fifty Shades Darker.
After Ana and old ‘resting serial killer face’ Grey return from their honeymoon (just a little romantic European jaunt where Ana dared to scandalously slip off her bikini top while lazing about on a nude beach, prompting Christian to kindly punish her with somewhat consensual yacht sex. Don’t listen to the haters, folks, romance is not really dead!) they get stuck into the nitty gritty elements of wedded life.
Just like any other newly married couple, Ana and Christian set about navigating everyday domestic obstacles as a team.
Just run-of-the-mill, everyday stuff that any married couple has tackled before. Like, how do they decide who will cook dinner? Or, what is to be done when your husband is a dominating sex maniac with boundary issues who gets his feelings hurt when you refuse to use your married name on the email address you use for work at the company he bought for you?
And what’s a girl to do when the ex-boss who sexually assaulted her somehow breaks into her house despite the copious amounts of security guards her husband hired and the only thing she has on hand to restrain him are sexy-time handcuffs that have most definitely not been washed since their last outing?