Welcome, reader friends.
I’m about to confess something only my sister and very possibly my entire list of Instagram followers know: Once upon a time, I edited a selfie, and I went beyond just an Insta filter and a lil’ bitta extra contrast.
I used an app called ‘FaceTune’ (yes, really), and I “blurred” my skin. Why? Well, a royal douchelord had just dumped me via text and I wanted to visually communicate that my suspiciously blemish-free self was JUST FINE without him.
Translation: I took about 19247350 selfies. Picked the only one I looked non-asleep in. Proceeded to blur my skin to the point of bloomin’ oblivion.
I uploaded my masterpiece to Insta, excited by the prospect of my face looking more poreless than the common seal, and waited for the likes to pour in.
After three minutes of silence, my sister texted.
It was bad. Really bad. Probably because I looked like I'd stuck shaved deli meat on my face.
Evelyn: Michelle... what the **** is with your selfie?
Me: What do you mean? It's just a filter!
Evelyn: Delete it right now. You've used one of those face editing apps, haven't you? Don't lie to me, it's so obvious.
Evelyn: OMG YOU LIAR JUST DELETE IT RIGHT NOW.
After that little debacle, I slowly started noticing how many of my friends were using a bitta teeth whitener here, a bitta body slimmer there.
So, in honour of my deplorable skin blurrin' experience, here are five more tell-tale signs your friend's selfie is FaceTuned, as demonstrated on yours truly.