real life

The five tell-tale signs your friends edit their selfies before posting on social media.

Welcome, reader friends.

I’m about to confess something only my sister and very possibly my entire list of Instagram followers know: Once upon a time, I edited a selfie, and I went beyond just an Insta filter and a lil’ bitta extra contrast.

I used an app called ‘FaceTune’ (yes, really), and I “blurred” my skin. Why? Well, a royal douchelord had just dumped me via text and I wanted to visually communicate that my suspiciously blemish-free self was JUST FINE without him.

Translation: I took about 19247350 selfies. Picked the only one I looked non-asleep in. Proceeded to blur my skin to the point of bloomin’ oblivion.

I've recreated the atrocity for you. You're welcome.

I uploaded my masterpiece to Insta, excited by the prospect of my face looking more poreless than the common seal, and waited for the likes to pour in.

They didn't.

After three minutes of silence, my sister texted.

It was bad. Really bad. Probably because I looked like I'd stuck shaved deli meat on my face.

Evelyn: Michelle... what the **** is with your selfie?

Me: What do you mean? It's just a filter!

Evelyn: Delete it right now. You've used one of those face editing apps, haven't you? Don't lie to me, it's so obvious. 

Me: No...

Evelyn: OMG YOU LIAR JUST DELETE IT RIGHT NOW.

After that little debacle, I slowly started noticing how many of my friends were using a bitta teeth whitener here, a bitta body slimmer there.

So, in honour of my deplorable skin blurrin' experience, here are five more tell-tale signs your friend's selfie is FaceTuned, as demonstrated on yours truly.

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1. Your eyes.

What do you mean, guys? These are just my eyes. Seriously.

If your eyes are twice the size, or... you know, a completely different colour to what they are in normal life, even the most technology illiterate person knows you've dabbled in a bit of ye olde 'Tune.

For some reason, when I scroll through Instagram, some friends seem to have oddly defined eyes compared to the rest of their face.

So, if I can see your individual eyelashes, you either need to A) tell me what mascara you use or B) go a teensy bit easier on the 'details' function.

2. Your teeth.

Some people's teeth are so white in their selfies I see black spots everywhere for the next ten hours. Your teeth are not the sun, please don't confuse the two.

3. Your nose.

You know how we're, like, humans and not The Dark Lord Voldemort? Yeah... well...

Respect your nose, people.

4. Your body.

In the name of Peanut Butter and all that is holy, please - PLEASE - people, check the lines in your background when editing your ~body~.

The likes of Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan, and Kimmy K have all been done for wonky walls, make sure you're not one of them.

I suggest doing it subtly or not at all...  just like me.

Totally natural and unedited. I know. I'm so blessed.

5. The comparison selfie.

If you're planning on making your selfie look superhuman, make sure the original selfie isn't shared by your friend, too.

Not quite sure what I mean? I'll call on everyone's favourite Momager, Kris Jenner, to explain:

Say no more, Kris. (Images: Instagram)

Have you had any FaceTune disasters? Let me know in the comments...

For more from Michelle Andrews, follow her on Facebook here.

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Tags: facebook-rogue , instagram , social-media
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