Bridget Monyhan, Tom Brady & Giselle Bundchen
I learnt two new things about sperm this week. The first is that some
men are extremely paranoid about women stealing their sperm. The second
is that other men are extremely keen to give their sperm away.
But let’s kick off with the paranoid guys because gee, they’re fairly
committed to their belief that there’s a rampant group of sperm
stealers out there masquerading as – wait for it – women who want to
have sex with them. Why? So that she can get knocked up and then steal
all his money, of course!
And how are they dealing with this irrational fear? By ripping their
pants off and running to the doctor for a pre-emptive vasectomy in
their twenties and thirties. Believe it, there’s a growing trend for
young single American men to go the snip to protect their DNA.
As with most modern trends, this one appears connected with a
celebrity. In 2006, American football player, Tom Brady, broke up with
his girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan. Soon after, she announced she
was pregnant with his child and he announced he was dating supermodel
Giselle Bundchen. An obscenely good looking mess ensued, played out in
the tabloids. Natch.
Some cynical blokes perceived this situation as an example of ‘man trapping’ – girl meets boy, girl ‘tricks’ boy into getting her pregnant, girl extracts 18 years worth of child support out of boy. But according to US men’s mag, Details, man trapping is now called ‘Ooopsing’. As in ‘Ooops! That must have been a Tic Tac I swallowed, not my birth control pill!”
I’m sure this does occasionally happen but often? Often enough to make you so suspicious of women that you’ll willingly have surgery on your testicles? Some snip-happy men say yes.
“Now I can never have a girl say I made her pregnant,” 23-year-old college student Marcus Whitlock bragged to Details after pretending to a doctor he was 30, forking over US$850 and limping happily away after a 15-minute vasectomy. ”I don’t have to worry about being tricked.”
The magazine also unearthed Tim Vass, “a 34-year-old technical writer in Florida, [who] got snipped in May 2007 after a half-dozen pregnancy scares, including what he says were two attempted oopsings. Both of the latter were one-night stands; he says one woman admitted she didn’t know who the father was and the other demanded a DNA test that proved her wrong.” Now that the safety of his sperm has been secured, Tim reckons sex is “like eating junk food and knowing you’re not going to get fat.”
Excuse me gentlemen but have you heard of condoms? Less expensive. Less painful. Less permanent. Less risk of contracting an STD. Oh wait, too late. You’re already neutered. Ooops.
At the other end of the sperm spectrum are the guys who are super keen to give their DNA away. And they WANT it to be used specifically for making a baby.
You may recall a few months back, I told you about a single girlfriend about to turn 40 who was desperate to have a baby and how I’d suggested she consider a sperm bank. Well, she did.
After selecting a suitable donor online, she’s spent the past few months trying to fall pregnant. During this time, she’s been totally open about what she’s doing, sharing her news with anyone who asked. “I’ve got nothing to hide or be ashamed of,” she says. “When I’m pregnant, everyone’s going to find out anyway. And it’s quite the conversation starter.”
The reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. In fact from many men, it’s been a little too positive. “As soon as they hear I’m using donor sperm, they fall out of their pants with eagerness to offer me theirs” she marvels. Even though she didn’t ask for it and doesn’t want it.
“First it was my ex-husband who offered, then my ex-boyfriend” she wrote on her blog. “This was bizarre because neither of these guys were interested in having children with me when we were together and both of them are now married with kids of their own. Go figure. Then, a friend’s husband volunteered HIS sperm. Now my neighbour – also married with a kid – has offered to be my baby daddy. When will it stop?”
My friend has politely and repeatedly explained that she wants an anonymous donor so she’s not tied to anyone she’s not in a relationship with. “I don’t want him to have a say in what I do or suddenly decide he wants joint custody some time in the future. That’s why I’m shopping for my Baby Daddy online.”
But still, they persist with their offers as though competing in some kind of Sperm Idol. She continues to receive texts like this: ‘I’m clean!’ And this: ‘I’ve talked with a lawyer and it’s easy!’ And this: ‘I really want to help you, let’s discuss it more.’
Thanks but no, she replies to each of them. No, no, no. And also? No.
So much sperm. So little interest in using it.
And still the offers keep, er, coming. But why are they so keen? Is it some primal competitive urge to spread their DNA? Is it because my friend wants no emotional attachment? Is it an ego thing? Or are the sperm pushers just being altruistic?
Now, if only someone could hook up the sperm stealers with the sperm pushers, everyone would be happy.