From biting accidents to hospital visits…
By Kiarra Sylvester for YourTango.com
Sex. It’s one of the most basic human needs and possibly the best thing (next to food) on Maslow’s hierarchy. It’s also completely capable of going south in a matter of minutes—and not in the good way.
Of course, this tends to happen at the most inconvenient times. Though, I’m sure that there’s not a good time for your sex to go down in flames. Anyways, it’s happened to the best of us at one point or another.
You get in the mood, you’re more than ready for massive explosions but you get sparklers instead. I’m positive of this because once I cried during sex with my FWB. Even though it happened in the dark, it’s taken the cake as one of my most epic sex fails. Just one of them.
But today is the day you can rejoice over the fact that your epic sex fail could’ve totally been worse. Why, you ask? Because we have several stories, ranging from your typical “it happens” to the more belligerent stories, that require a much needed moment of silence and then evoke a major, “What. The. Actual. F*ck” moment.
1. “It was the last day of my cycle and so I did a little test when I went to the bathroom to see if there was any blood. I saw nothing so I thought I was good to go. At first we started in the shower, so I didn’t have to tell him I was on my period. But then I got bold and we took things to the bed. I took the condom off and began to go down on him. Once I stopped and went to the bathroom, there was blood all over my face like I had just ate a big cherry pie. To make matters worse, when he asked if I was on my period, I continued to lie and told him, ‘he went too hard.'” – Anonymous, 22
2. "With one girl, every time we had sex I went soft, like we technically never did it. I would be hard, get in and down goes Frazier." – Anonymous, 21
3. "I was working my night shift in the emergency room, when a man came in with a broken penis from anal sex. To make matters worse, he was cheating on his wife. My co-worker called his wife to inform her that her husband had landed in the E.R. and tipped the woman off to the fact that her husband had broken his penis while doing so. She couldn't tell because of patient confidentiality but she stressed to the wife that she should hound her husband until she gets the truth." - Anonymous, 39
4. "About 20 years ago, my friend was taking a road trip with her boyfriend and they got horny. He asked her to go down on him while he was driving. He had to hit the breaks, and when he did, she bit his penis and they had to go to the emergency room." - Liz, 50
5. "We went back to my place and began making love. Right in the middle she yells 'stop!', looks at me and says, 'no hard feeling but your just not the man for me'. Then, she gets up and leaves." - Anonymous
6. "I used 'long-lasting' condoms to try and impress a woman the first time we did the deed. I'm guessing I put it on inside out because it numbed her insides and she freaked out because she could not feel a thing. After some serious begging and a super expensive make up date she graced me with a second chance, and of course I only had those dreaded 'long-lasting' condoms. This time, I put it on the opposite way, but ironically she climaxed in like two mins and I was stuck with a desensitised boner. She didn't want to leave me hanging so after about 20 mins of the most aggressive hand/blow job ever, we realised I was not going to climax and she was drooling uncontrollably because the residue of the numbing agent gave her 'Novocain mouth.'" - Anonymous
7. "A girl tried to deep throat me, but couldn't [as in, she was bad at it] and bit my penis because she was mad." – Phil, 31
8. "A guy was going down on me and there were bits of tissue stuck to my vagina. I kept thinking he'd say something but he just kept going and then looked at the tissue weird, each time he got some in his mouth. But in my head I was horrified and waiting on his reaction." – Denice, 22
9. "I was having sex with my ex and we decided we wanted to take a few shots beforehand. I was in the middle of a little cow girl action when I covered my mouth and told him to hurry and grab me the bin. Fortunately, I was able to hold back until he got me the bin." –Kiarra, 21
Feel free to join the conversation, by commenting below and sharing your most embarrassing or awkward romp around moment.
This article originally appeared on YourTango: 9 Times Trying To Get Laid Failed Miserably
Feel like turning up the dial on your sex life? Click through this gallery for 13 tips that could help you out...
Talk to Him About It - Just Not in the Sack
Trying bringing up the issue - what you’d love to change - just make sure it’s outside the bedroom.
Get Out Of Your Sex-On-A-Schedule Routine
Feel like sex always happens at the exact same time every week? If 9 a.m.
Slow Down, Cowboy
Has a quickie before shut-eye become the norm?
Don’t Like What He’s Doing?
Deal With An Eager Beaver
Do you laugh at song lyrics that boast about making love all night long?
Break Out Of The Missionary Rut
Man-On-Top can get boring pretty quick. Spice up sex by taking turns choosing positions and locations.
Encourage Him To Have Sex More Often
Some men think about sex every 60 seconds, but what about us?
Make Him a Southern Gentleman
A little role playing goes a long way here. You’re the teacher, he’s the student.
Is He Too Tired?
Increase His Passion
On the libido lowdown? Help him turn things around with some amorous adventure.
Give Him An Eyeful
If you want him to be a tiger in the bedroom then give him an eyeful.
Relive the Past to Get Your Mojo Back
Whatever You Do, Just Focus On One Thing At A Time
Don’t attempt a sexual-180 in one night, which will probably leave him suspicious that you’re unhappy with his performance.
Want more? Try these:
The Night We Got Busy In A 50-Gallon Soup Pot
The Booty Call That Almost Scarred Me For Life
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