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'Matt got married after ONE date.' The 5 most ridiculous things that happened on 7th Heaven.

7th Heaven is one of those shows anyone who grew up in the 90s or early 2000s seemingly watched against their will.

My family wasn’t particularly religious. My parents had no patience for the cringe-worthy and over-the-top moral lessons of cheesy American TV shows. But somehow, I’ve watched an obscene number of episodes of 7th Heaven. 

… Why?

That bloody theme song plays so clearly in my head, and I still remember how the credits included the role of the family dog, Happy, played by none other than a dog named Happy.

The thing about 7th Heaven that still sticks with me, however, is the utter ridiculousness of it. And I’m not referring to the family’s evangelism or obsession with ‘saving’ strangers or complete demonisation of pre-marital sex, which, yes, seem absurd to me. I mean the nonsensical plot points. The entirely disproportionate reactions to minor transgressions. The consistently unrealistic and unbelievable story lines.

These are the five most ridiculous things that happened on 7th Heaven.

The time Reverend Camden found a joint… and threatened to drug test all his children.

Guys, it’s not what it seems!

It’s not that Matt was smoking weed like literally every other teenager who lives in California. It’s that a guy at school offered it to him, he did not want to do it, but he put it in his pocket, it fell out when he got home, and the dog picked it up and delivered it to Mr Camden. Obviously.

How very could you? Image via CBS.
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Never mind that the guy who offered it to him was meant to be 17 but legit looked 40. Never mind that this entire thing is the worst lie I've ever heard.

The most ridiculous part is that Reverend Camden wants to drug test all his children - including five-year-old Ruthie. 

Jesus.

When Mary asks her brother Matt to help her practice kissing.

Umm... no. This isn't a thing that happens in families.

Mary is 16 and has never kissed a boy, so the only logical course of action is for her to learn with her brother. But as she leans in and touches Matt's face, Reverend Camden suddenly appears.

Mary and Matt jump apart and yell, "it's not what it seems!" but it doesn't matter, because Reverend Camden has no issue with what he just saw. 

"I don't want to know," he responds cheerily, before going inside to kiss his wife.

Of all the things the Camden kids do and get blasted for (i.e. having boyfriends, bringing a joint into the house) this is the ONE thing you should probably have a serious conversation with your children about.

Don't kiss each other. Just don't.

No. Image via CBS.

When the family celebrated Lucy's first period.

There's this running theme in 7th Heaven that when young girls reach a certain age, they think about nothing else other than getting their period.

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Lucy eagerly awaits such a significant moment, and when she enters the bathroom on one occasion, her older and younger sister sit outside the bathroom door waiting for the news.

Yep, she's menstruating.

The girls hold hands and jump up and down together before Reverend Camden comes upstairs to see what all the fuss is about. Mary pushes Lucy towards her father, and Lucy smiles awkwardly. "Congratulations," her father says, looking as though he's about to cry. "It's a very important day."

They hug, and then Lucy has to ask the coming-of-age question we've all been waiting for: "Dad, can you go to the drug store for me?"

NO. No, Lucy. There are already pads and tampons in your house because you have a mother and sister who menstruate.

My God.

When Simon uses his RUDE FINGER and Annie has never witnessed something so offensive.

Where would he LEARN such a thing?

Simon is just living his life, joking around with friends after school in a completely unrealistic way, when in slow motion, he delivers not one, but TWO rude fingers to his friend.

Image via CBS.

In this very moment, Annie is watching him from the car, and the camera captures her horror at what she's seen. Ominous music plays as it turns out a teacher has also seen Simon's heinous act. Everyone's face drops as she slowly approaches. Simon looks down in shame as Ruthie, who is sitting in the car with her mother, asks, "what does that mean anyway?"

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Just in case you didn't realise HOW MUCH OF A BAD INFLUENCE SIMON IS BEING.

I mean, talk about behavioural issues. This child is going off the rails. Using the rude finger is a gateway to prison.

When Matt got married to Sarah after a total of one date.

On one particular day, the Camden's oldest son Matt decides he wants to get married.

He just isn't actually going out with or interested in anyone at the time.

Luckily, he meets a woman named Sarah later that day, and marries her on their next date. BUT while they were both completely fine to get married without their parents permission, they don't want to tell their parents they got married, so they just say they're engaged.

Sarah is Jewish. Yes, that was a point of contention. Image via CBS.

Anyway, like most people who get married after one date, the couple are perfectly happy, and eventually Sarah gets pregnant and is expecting twins. At the same time Lucy is expecting twins. And Mary. And their mother Annie gave birth to twins a few years earlier.

This is just something that statistically could never happen. But that's not important.

Not in the slightest.

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on FacebookInstagram or Twitter.

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