Poor Johnny Depp.
He just wanted his tiny lap dogs, Boo and Pickle, or whatever their names are, as a bit of company on his trip down under.
No harm in that, is there?
NO JOHNNY. THIS IS AUSTRALIA.
AND IT IS KILL OR BE KILLED.
It’s the biosecurity story that has captured international attention and cemented our place in the world as a terrifying deathtrap. Not only are our oceans are full of box jellyfish and man-eating sharks, not only do we have the most poisonous snakes in the world, and spiders who could kill Arnold Schwarzenegger, but come here, and we’ll also kill your precious little dogs. RAHHHHHHhhhhh.
Australia is no place for Terrier-ism, no matter how much of a celeb you are. And our government is here to protect us from those threats.
Maybe, though, no one show Tony Abbott any Johnny Depp movies, mkay? Johnny could end up in Nauru.
While we’ve kicking things out of Australia we have some other suggestions of things Barnaby can tell to bugger off.
Come on everyone. They kill all the birds, fight at night, hump in the driveway and shed hair all over our black clothes. Let’s ship them all over to that weird Japanese Cat Island, and just set up some webcams to get our fix that way. Besides, there’s enough cat videos on the internet to last an eternity.
Married at First Sight.
Same-sex couples in Australia can’t get married, but a network can make a TV show that lowers the concept of marriage to a stunt. No problem.
There are certain combinations of food that should never exist. Nutella casserole. Anchovy icecream. Ice Magic on a a schnitzel. And this.
Women are “bitches” or “fat slags”, staff are asked to masturbate in Black Thunders and radio guests perform sex acts at 8am. (It’s okay, though, it was on a chocolate bar. LOL jks). He also leaves the toilet door open when he goes.
The man is a biosecurity hazard.
It’s no so much that he called Danni Minogue “over-sexualised” or that his latest song is an awful piece of misogynistic crap. It’s more that we’re just tired of those glasses.