10 things every single human says before bitching about someone.

We’ve all done it.

It’s okay, because it’s not ‘bitching’ if you call it ‘venting’.

In the same way that air vents need to release air when pressure builds up, humans need to release a tyrade of nasty insults and personal attacks behind someone’s back when that someone is being particularly bloody annoying.

READ MORE: 17 habits of highly annoying people in an office.

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Or that someone is just being themselves, and they are naturally annoying.

Or they’ve had a boob job, and it needs to be discussed.

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Or it’s a day ending with Y.

It’s not gossiping, it’s just sharing information. It’s not nasty, because we won’t tell the person we are talking about.

OH OKAY, IT’S ALL NASTY AND WE ARE TERRIBLE HUMANS AND GO AHEAD AND CALL US BITCHES AND WE FEEL AWFUL.

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But let’s be honest. We’ll probably keep on doing it. And by ‘we’, I don’t mean women. I mean every human on the planet. I don’t doubt that monks who have devoted their lives to inner beauty and charity (or whatever monks do? Not sure. They wear robes, I know that much.) have an occasional moment where they turn to one another and say, “Can I just vent about something? I don’t want to be mean, but so and so’s chanting is driving me fucking nuts.”

TRY THIS: The 8 most annoying things about sharing a meal with friends.

I’ve noticed a pattern when it comes to having a good ol’ fashioned bitch about someone. There is a list of pre-approved phrases you must say before you dive into the nastiness. It’s like a divine list of ‘I’m Not A Bad Person’ opening lines, immediately followed by half an hour of negating the original statement.

do people use landlines anymore

It’s the same reason people say ‘no offence’… because they intend to cause offence without feeling guilty about it. Genius.

Be honest. You’ve used at least one of these.

  1. I love him/her, but… (not enough to not bitch about him/her).
  2. I know he/she means well, but… (followed by reasons as to why the well-meaning is negated by uselessness).
  3. I don’t want to be a bitch, but… (followed by being a bitch).
  4. His/her heart is in the right place, but… (he/she’s pissing me right off).
  5. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but… (followed by incredibly bad things).
  6. It’s a bit harsh, but… (followed by extremely frigging harsh stuff).
  7. I’m not one to judge, but… (followed by something completely judgemental).
  8. I wouldn’t say this to anyone but you… (because I’m SO nice to narrow my bitching audience down to one person).
  9. I’m not trying to be mean, but… (I hardly have to try).
  10. I am a really big fan of his/hers, but… (these are the reasons why I dislike him/her and am not actually a fan).

And there are so many more.

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So, humans, if you catch yourself saying one of these phrases before you ‘vent’, see if you can surprise everyone by following it with a really nice, non-sarcastic compliment about the person you’re discussing. Without saying ‘but’ afterwards.
Unless they really are being a dick. In which case, vent away.
What about you? What’s your favourite bitchy preface?

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