CONTENT WARNING: This post contains mentions of suicide and may be triggering to some readers. For 24-hour crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
My name is Hayleigh.
I am 28 years old. I am from Melbourne, Australia. I am now also, forever broken.
On Sunday May 15 2016, part of me died along with my brother, Ben. On that Sunday, my world was turned upside down forever. We had only just lost Mum, 19 months earlier. What else did life think we could possibly handle?
Who would be so lucky to watch a movie with their brother before he passed?
Who would be so lucky that their final words to their brother were ‘I love you’?
Ben left the house that night and seemed totally normal. He told me he was going around to his best mate Nick’s house for a chat. About 20 minutes later I received a call from his partner (they were having some troubles at the time and Ben had been living at home for the past 3 weeks) saying did I know where Ben went? He had called her and said his goodbyes but didn’t elaborate as to where he was. Only saying that he was in ‘the middle of nowhere’. I rang around to my siblings and Dad to get the word out quickly.
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Grinning depression is when a (possibly suicidally) depressed person laughs and jokes as usual.
Symptoms of depression include overwhelming feelings of guilt and worthlessness. The guilt can be over accidentally cutting someone off whilst driving. (When I'm depressed, driving errors often make me feel suicidal: I can't get over it or forgive myself. I have to concentrate not to give into the temptation to drive off a cliff or into a tree.) I don't feel like me or my problems are worth anyone's time or attention, so I usually don't tell anyone.
There's a FB meme asking who wouldn't spend all night talking to a suicidal friend? It's a little bit simplistic in my experience. I have grinning depression. When I laugh and joke and say I'm depressed, friends and family don't believe me. They dismiss and minimise what I'm saying. In my guilt-laden and worthless state of mind, I don't want to upset them by telling them the reality that I think about suicide almost constantly.
Of course, this is when my friends and family have time to talk to me. Often they can't find time to reply to my texts asking to catch up. If we do catch up and they haven't cancelled, then the time is usually cut short because they have to go or do something else and I'm happy to encourage them to talk about themselves. They seem so stressed that I usually feel too guilty and worthless to say that I need them to listen and support me.
My experience predates the internet so I can't blame it. I think people are much busier than they used to be too: flexible work hours/overtime, longer commutes, acting as taxi for the kid's numerous events.
I've survived multiple depressive episodes when I've got as far as planning a time and place, and getting the necessary equipment. I've always managed to talk myself down. I'm hopeful I always will.
In my 35 years of suicidal thoughts, I've learned a few things.
1) A Normally functioning brain never think about harming itself. I know for a fact that my brain is glitching when I do this. This means the first time a suicidal image/thought flashes into my brain, I can start doing something about it. (It is much easier and less distressing to deal with a stray thought than a full blown plan.)
2) When I start having suicidal thoughts I check my sleep and eating patterns. I'm more often suicidal when I've been a few weeks without proper food and sleep. I make myself address these issues before I talk to myself about what is wrong and using the skills I got in CBT.
3) If I'm still feeling depressed, I'll start trying to reach out. Friends or family with depression/anxiety can be good, because they understand everything I'm not saying and don't judge or panic. If the friends/family aren't available I'll try to see a sympathetic GP for a mental health plan. If the GP isn't sympathetic (and some aren't), I insist on it. If the referred specialist is useless (ie makes me feel worse), I'll go get another referral. It is an emergency to think about suicide.
4) I've tried ringing a suicide helpline a couple of times in the early '90s. It was difficult to get through and when I did, the listener was unhelpful.
For people wanting to support suicidal friends, I have a couple of suggestions.
1) Listen to the jokes. If they are too self-abasing, challenge the joker. Truthfully tell them that you value them and what you like most about them.
2) Show them that you care by making time for them. If you haven't got time for a coffee/phone call with a friend who seems a bit off, then you definitely won't have time for their funeral.
Sorry for the long post. This article struck a chord and I'm tired of non-depressed people not knowing what suicidal people are thinking.