By ROSIE WATERLAND
Okay. Woah. Woah. Not only do we open on Bachie today, but we open on Bachie READING THE NEWSPAPER. As in, the one with words. AND, he has a shirt on! WHAT IS THIS?
Is this to remind us that he’s a business man who does business things? Must be. And the paper must be so heavy with important business things because Bachie is really flexing his biceps just to keep it upright:
Cut to Ridge Forrester’s house, and tensions are still running high between the original girls and ‘The Others’. Audrey Day-Knight (Laurina: Audrey Hepburn on the outside, Kath Day-Knight on the inside) has really been pushing that ‘segregation’ plan of hers: The Originals look mortified that they are being forced to mingle with The Others for the purposes of this show.
One of The Others volunteers to open the single date card. Audrey Day-Knight quietly passes around some antiseptic.
Chantal gets the single date, and erupts into the kind of dignified squeals that you would expect from someone who agreed to compete for a man on national television. Everyone is super excited for her, because she hasn’t spent any time alone with Bachie yet, even though she totally deserves it because she is one of the many women who has been dating him for six weeks.
Super lucky and super deserving Chantal is driven to a hotel room, where Bachie has asked her to take a bath (she does), put on the dress he has picked out (she does), put on the jewellery he has picked out (she does) and wait for him at a restaurant of his choosing (she does). She may be out on day-release but that sure as hell doesn’t mean she gets to make any of her own decisions.
It’s true love.
Talk talk/I think this is real/talk talk/you’re so cute no you are etc etc etc.
The best part of the date is when that Zumbo guy brings out what is possibly the best dessert I’ve ever seen:
Rosie + this Zumbo thing forever.
I just want Bachie to move out of the way so I can picture myself sitting at the table with it. Just the two of us, in the candlelight, being together. I feel like I finally understand what it’s like to find true love on The Bachelor. This is real! NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND MY SENSITIVE HEART!
Ugh. Now they’re slow-dancing in an empty restaurant.
BRING BACK THE CAKE.
It’s so awkward.
ZUMBO! WHERE ARE YOU?
Bachie leans in for a kiss. Chantal must smell nice after that bath he insisted she take.
COME BACK TO ME DESSERT, MY SWEET LOVE.
Because he doesn’t want the night to end, but the producers didn’t want to pay any more cash, Bachie takes Chantal to their next destination: A couch in the corner of the room.
More kissing/forehead touching/gives her a rose etc. I don’t even care. Zumbo is gone and there’s no more dessert and my heart is broken.
Chantal thinks lots of girls are going to be jealous when she gets home, and we know that they are because lots of girls say they are jealous when she gets home. Zoe (Curly Hair #1) doesn’t like that Bachie has branded Chantal with diamonds when he already branded her with diamonds a few weeks ago. It makes her diamonds feel less legitimate. She goes to talk to one of Bachie’s 13 other girlfriends about this betrayal of trust.
GROUP DATE TIME!
Okay, I suspected funds were low when one of the destinations on Chantal’s date was the couch, but now I KNOW there must be money-troubles in Bachelor land:
THE GIRLS ARE DRIVING THEMSELVES TO THE GROUP DATE. What is this? They couldn’t at least spring for some shared limos? Would a secondhand sea-plane be too much to ask? Has Osher’s Nice ‘n’ Easy caused production to go over budget?
Ohhhhh, I see. I think this is some very clever product placement for a lady-style car. Because ladies definitely need lady cars aimed at ladies, or they no understand the driving stuff. Well, allow me to play my part then:
Oh my! Look at how that sexy lady car glides in all its feminine sexiness! If I owned that car, not only would I be prettier, but I’d probably find a man too! And jeepers – look at all that space in the back! I could definitely put all my lady things in there, like dresses and tampons and shoes. Cos I just can’t stop buying shoes, amiright ladies? It looks real easy to drive too, which is important cos me a scaredy cat if there’s too many buttons. That’s brave man stuff.
The date destination is Luna Park, and Bachie immediately throws all the ladies into dodgem cars so they can prove the depth of their love by the amount of concussions they’re prepared to give.
Jessica (who gushed so much in Week One that she shed her skin and became Gushica), is making it too obvious how much she likes Bachie. This is not on, apparently. When on a shared date with a man, there are strict rules about the amount of contact you are allowed to have with said man. All the girls think Gushica is breaking those time-honoured rules.
On the plus side, it’s doing wonders for race-relations between The Originals and The Others. They are forming a united front over their hatred for Gushica. It’s quite beautiful, really. The Originals are even forgetting that The Others probably have smaller brains and strange diseases.
Carnival/carnival/fairy floss/carnival/we’re pretending that Luna Park was closed especially for us but really it’s always empty here anyway/fairy floss/fairy floss etc.
Ugh. Getting boring. Here’s hoping one of my two great loves (Osher’s hair or that Zumbo dessert from earlier) comes out soon.
They all go on some spinning ride, even though Audrey Day-Knight thinks the seats are too small for Gushica’s laughable, giant size-8 arse. Kara manages to trap Bachie in a ferris wheel cage for an hour. He looks scared and confused and gives her a rose so she’ll set him free. Gushica keeps following Bachie around and making everyone mad.
Humiliating challenge time!
Bachie would like the girls to sit on the Spinning Wheel of Dignity. Whoever stays on the longest wins 10 minutes with Bachie.
Gushica wins. He takes her on the carousel and they each do a lot of very slow blinking while their foreheads touch. It’s an odd mating ritual. I feel like I need David Attenborough to explain it to me. She rests her hand very close to his peen. They kiss, and all the other girls see, which results in all of the shit hitting all of the fans.
How very dare she? You don’t kiss your boyfriend in front of 6 of his 14 other girlfriends! That is Official Feminism Law NUMBER ONE! Just ask Malala Yousafzai!
Canadian Killer Horse Girl continues her relationship with classy, understated language by calling Gushica a leech who sucks the blood out of Blake’s skin. Her TED talk on endearing oneself to the public is coming soon.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
The fighting continues. Nobody can deal with having seen Bachie kiss one of his girlfriends. It was just so freaking selfish of Gushica to remind them all that Bachie isn’t dating each of them exclusively.
Audrey Day-Knight is only realising now, 6 weeks into competing for a man on national television, that she can’t maintain her ‘dignity’. She wants Bachie to know that she certainly doesn’t blame him for kissing Gushica. He is lovely. Clearly, Gushica is just a dirty slut who tricks men into kissing her on carousels. BITCH.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME!
Audrey Day-Knight lets Bachie know she is upset by pausing dramatically before accepting his rose. That’ll show him.
(Side note: Osher’s hair has reached a glorious height and stiffness that I had not previously thought possible. Physicists need to study him.)
One of The Others, Anastasia, gets booted. Nobody hugs her. Partly because she’s an Other and that’s gross and partly because up until that moment everybody thought she was a production assistant.
Tomorrow night: The most important lady skills of all are tested in a Bachelorette Bake-Off, and the producers trick Bachie into thinking that Hawaii is an island in Sydney Harbour.
Missed a recap? Catch up here:
In other news, Osher Gunsberg makes his own podcasts, which are fun, interesting and you can listen to them while picturing his excellent Bachie hair. Check them out here.