By ROSIE WATERLAND
Sigh. Same old.
We open on the girls hanging out in Ridge Forrester’s house just causally hanging out being casual as bloody usu – HOLD UP. Hold. Up.
Why is there a date card just randomly sitting on a chair? Where the hell is Osher and why didn’t he deliver it personally? What is happening? I’m frightened!
Something bad must have gone down. I’m worried Osher ignored the height restrictions when driving through an underpass and scraped half his hair off. How many times do you need to be told Osher? Avoid freeways, low bridges and car parks! Please Osher #RespectHairHeightRules
The girls somehow manage to figure how to open the envelope and read what’s inside it without help from Oshie. Lisa gets the single date, and since she’s the nicest and most normal person on the whole show, what a gripping date it will be.
GRIPPING single date time:
Bachie is taking Lisa to ‘the races’, which explains her decision to wear a frilly top hat, but certainly doesn’t excuse it. She’s convinced that Bachie put a lot of hard work into personally organising this date, including building Randwick Racecourse, cooking lunch and single-handedly siring several horses.
The date consists of the two of them sitting in one place, before going to sit in another place, before going to sit in a third place. He gives her a massage. Asks her if she is enjoying the massage. She says yes.
Lisa heads back to the house with a rose and tells everybody about her incredible day of sitting in three slightly different locations. Everybody is very jealous, but definitely not worried because she’s talking about ‘her Blake’ and ‘her Blake’ is different to ‘my Blake’. You have to ‘keep the Blakes separate’ apparently. You know, the same kind of logic people use when watching Woody Allen movies.
OH. MY. GLOB. MID EPISODE DRAMAAAAAA:
Laurina, aka Audrey Day-Knight (Audrey Hepburn on the outside, Kath Day-Knight on the inside, OBVIOUSLY) is in hospital. We find out through some very believable acting by Chantal, Closet Bogan Sam and Gushica:
“Guys. I. Have. Some… Bad news.”
“Oh. No.” *sideways glance*
“Please tell us what the bad news is that you are talking about.”
“It’s that girl we live with – Laurina. She’s sick”. *sideways glance*
“And she went to the hospital.”
“Oh. No. I can’t believe Laurina went to the hospital. This is definitely the first time I am hearing about Laurina being in the hospital.”
I’d say we should just put them out of their misery and let them read it straight from the script, but Bachie is still only in the green reading group and he doesn’t like to be left out. In the Bachie house, you read the Goosebumps as stipulated on the reading list, or you read nothing at all.
STOP IT – apparently Laurina was up all night with excruciating stomach pain. It got so bad she had to be rushed to the emergency room. You know what that means…
DIRTY STREET PIE POISONING.
She KNEW it! She bloody knew it. #LaurinaWasRight
GROUP DATE TIME!
OSHER IS FINALLY HERE! And his hair has not been lost in a horrific height-related misadventure! Thank Oprah and all that is holy. Please keep shining down on Mr. Gunsberg, Lady O.
Oshie explains that today’s group date is at one of the ‘most haunted places in Australia’. Apparently it’s an old quarantine station that lots of immigrants came through back in the day… But a lot of them NEVER CAME OUT. *THUNDERCLAP* And now their bodies are BURIED HERE mwahahaha etc etc *SHOT OF THE MOON TO INDICATE SCARY ATMOSPHERE*
The girls can’t even deal. Lots of squeals!/giggles!/shrieks!/the bodies of immigrants!/innocent people died here!/what a fun novelty! etc etc etc
Osher leaves Bachie and the girls in the hands of a qualified psychic. To demonstrate the level of her psychic skill, allow me to relay her most astonishing reading of the night:
Bachie: Do you see a relationship happening?
Incredible psychic: There’s a very good probability.
Bachie: Do you see it lasting?
Incredible psychic: It could last.
They walk around for a little bit, and while they don’t see any ghosts, they get to listen to the psychic talk about all the other times she definitely saw ghosts.
Everyone gets annoyed at Gushica for continually trying to have slow-blinking forehead sex with Bachie. She clearly has a very horny slow-blinking forehead.
They head to a lovely room filled with candles for some wine/dinner/chatting/how fun socialising in this place where so many innocent people died! etc etc etc.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
BOOOOOOOOO. Laurina isn’t coming. She’s still in hospital recovering from her Dirty Street Pie Poisoning. Why even bother having the cocktail party if Audrey Day-Knight can’t be there? #LaurinaWasRight #DirtyStreetPie
A bunch of the girls feel like Bachie has already fallen in love with Gushica because she has seduced him with her slutty slow-blinking forehead.
Chantal pulls Bachie aside and is all: “Dude. You can’t pay one girl so much attention. It’s not fair – we’re ALL your girlfriends. Equality. Feminism. Etc.”
And Bachie is all: “Maybe everybody else needs to put out as much as Gushica’s slow-blinking forehead.”
Ugh. What a Dirty Street Pie.
ROSE CEREMONY TIME.
Osher tells us the urgent news: Bachie made a special trip to Laurina’s bedside earlier in the day to give her a special ‘hospital-edition’ rose. She graciously accepted and will (THANK GLOB) be back in the house next week. And next time she actually will pick the herpes date over the Dirty Street Pies.
The last remaining ‘Other’ gets sent home. Don’t even know her name. Everybody looks relieved – The Others were different and definitely a little dirty. Now they can stop segregating the bathrooms.
Next week: A dramatic masquerade ball that leaves Bachie much confused.
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