A woman is putting sperm in her smoothies. I repeat, A WOMAN IS PUTTING SPERM IN HER SMOOTHIES. Yes, a real woman named Tracy Kiss from the Queen’s country says she knows the elixir of life: it’s her mate’s jizz.
I have a few feelings about this. Namely, they are: No, no, no, no, no, no, and bloody hell no.
If, like me, you’re a bit skeptical that the stuff that comes out of a dude’s yogurt gun can cure the common cold, let’s hear the lady out – shall we?
“I’d been feeling run down and had no energy, but now I’m full of beans and my mood has improved,” Tracy, mum of two, told The Sun.
“It can taste really good – depending on what my friend has been eating. My other mates think I’m strange, but I don’t give a toss.”
The 29-year-old personal trainer says a spoonful of sperm a day keeps the doctor away. Luckily, she had a willing and single male friend to, erm, donate to the cause.
“I know he’s healthy, doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs and I made him have an STI check,” she said, adding: “When I first approached him, he was concerned I’d use it to impregnate myself.”
“But once I’d convinced him it was for my beauty regime he agreed – after all, he has a regular supply at hand!”
The qualified nutritional adviser - who identifies as vegan - says the sperm is kept in the fridge beside grocery items. While she normally pairs it with fruit, seeds, coconut or almond milk, she's happy to drink it el naturale.
“Every batch tastes different, depending on what he’s been eating,” she said. “If he’s been drinking alcohol or eaten something particularly pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads up so I know not to drink it neat."
“Things like pineapple and peppermint make it taste better, but I’ll happily take it straight off a spoon usually.”
In news that will shock absolutely no one, Tracy also spouts the apparent beauty benefits of sperm, and says we need to "stop being so ridiculous about it".
“The health benefits have been well researched and more women and men should take advantage of it particularly as it’s made by our own bodies and doesn’t contain e-numbers and chemicals.”
But not all (or really any) doctors agree with the unconventional health advice.
Dr. Carol Cooper told the publication that Tracy’s flu remedy has no scientific grounds, adding that it could put people "at risk of catching viruses including HIV and Ziku".
“Semen does contain a lot of zinc compared to other bodily fluids but not in comparison to a vitamin tablet or food," she concluded.