Ten questions every actor gets asked way too regularly.

I’m a waiter. I mean, actor. I’m an actor. (Buh-dum tishhhhh.)

When I meet a new person and we inevitably begin discussing our occupations, I usually get a positive response when I say ‘actor’*.

In fact, unless I am speaking to a fellow thespian (just kidding, I never use that word. So much wank), I can guarantee that one of ten questions will be asked. Every. Single. Time.

The questions aren’t offensive… they can just be hard to answer. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m an actor, I’m great at making up bullshit. The answers I give are smooth and deflective, from years of rehearsal. A pinch of self-deprecation here, a sprinkle of humble-bragging there.

Just doing what I have to do until Baz Luhrmann calls me back. Baz? Ba-aaaz?

Actors, I’m sure you’ve heard these. Non-actors, I’m sure you’ve asked them:

Ten questions every actor has beenasked.

1. “What would I have seen you in?”

The rehearsed answer? “Oh, I mostly do stage work, so I just can’t fit the screen offers in!”
The truth? “I was in a Coles ad once. And now I do kids’ shows.**”

2. “Why don’t you just audition for Home and Away?”

Puh-lease. Would a masterchef want to work at McDonalds?

JUST KIDDING. HOME AND AWAY PLEASE GIVE ME AN AUDITION I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING. I NEED YOU I LOVE YOU HEEEEELLLP.

3. “Do you have an agent?”

Usually, if an actor does not have an agent, things are not going well. Usually, they will describe this situation as being ‘between agents’.

4. “Can you do any accents?”

“Oh yes, I can do all of them! Now? Um… I haven’t warmed up… and I have a cold… cough, cough…”

5. “Can you thank me in your Oscars speech?”

Sure, Jeff-from-that-New-Year’s-party, when I win the most prestigious award an actor can win, you are IN.

6. “My nephew’s friend’s cousin is an actor. Do you know her?”

Most of us do know each other, actually. But in this case, no I don’t. Is she good? Does she have an agent? What does she look like? IS SHE STEALING ROLES FROM ME?

7. “Do you want to be famous?”

No thanks. Actors hate attention.

8. “What’s your back-up plan?”

It’s offensive (and accurate) that you think I need one, but I don’t have one. My back-up plan to acting is Centrelink.

9. “How do you remember your lines?”

I dunno. How do lawyers remember laws? How do plumbers remember… plumbs? We just do. Unless we don’t, in which case we make them up and hope you didn’t notice.

10. “Acting seems like an easy job.”

This is not a question, and not a nice thing to say (and yes, people say it. A lot). Acting isn’t easy. We have to remember stuff… and spend a lot of time on the couch between jobs… and eat free biscuits from a tin in the green room… and… actually, yeah, acting is easy. It’s awesome.

You know what? I don’t mind when people ask these questions at all. Because preparing statements for potentially difficult questions is all good practice for when the reporters are demanding to know if I’ve had a fling with my co-star Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s just a matter of time, right? Guys? Baz?

Sigh. Back to the couch.

*I call myself an ‘actor’ instead of ‘actress’ because being gender-specific when describing an occupation is dated and obsolete, and because Whoopi Goldberg once said “An actress can only play a woman. I’m an actor – I can play anything.” …BOOM.

**I actually was in a Coles ad once, wearing a big red hand. Thank God I spent three years doing a performing arts degree at university. Living the dream.