Married at First Sight Episode 6: Two couples have broken up... we think.

It’s THE honeymoon episode and we want to cry with excitement.

This is where sh*t starts to go down and the couples realise that not only do they not ‘like’ each other, they actually hate each other. 

We do, however, have a preliminary concern that needs to be addressed.

READ: Married at First Sight Episode 5 recap: One twin is stoked. The other is absolutely not.

You see, it’s the sheer… amount of couples. It was fine when there were two matches getting married an episode (it wasn’t, it was overwhelming), but to track the progression of 10 couples just feels like a lot of pressure for a Tuesday night.

Each couple opens an envelope which reveals their honeymoon destination. They range from Fiji, to Koh Samui to Airlie Beach bla bla everyone's happy because they just got a free holiday.

Debbie is particularly happy to be going to Samoa - which we believe is part of 'The Polynesian Islands' she keeps referring to - but she seems blissfully unaware that the experts are straight up trolling her. 

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Speaking of Deb, she's definitely, 100 per cent planning on running off with a Polynesian.

After the first night of their honeymoon she's annoyed at John for snoring and tossing in his sleep. But really she's just annoyed that he's not Polynesian.

Okay, pause.

Deb straight up hates John. Not just as a romantic partner, but as a human. Which is rude because she's his fake wife and promised during their fake wedding to give this a go. As she tells him how unbearable he is to sleep with, John begins to reply, before Debbie says "Oh, you spat on me," while dramatically wiping her face.

We can't get enough of watching this relationship that never even started fall to sh*t. 

Other couples are also encountering difficult and relateable obstacles. Michael hasn't yet told Scarlett that he's a 'mayolstrippa' (male stripper), and Alene keeps trying to broach the subject of Simon's hair, which sounds superficial until you actually have to look at Simon's hair. It's... inexcusable.

Nadia and Anthony's relationship is progressing, mainly because you can only progress from not wanting to speak/touch each other at the altar.

But just when we thought things were improving, Anthony tries to kiss Nadia in a beautiful, romantic setting and she pulls away and we just want to die.

They then go back to their hotel room where she insists she have some alone time, and Anthony awkwardly smiles at the camera and says "happy wife, happy life!"

If one more man says that during this series we will stab ourselves in the eye/s. Srsly.

OH. SPEAKING OF OBSTACLES.

It's John Aiken. And he's sitting across from Andrew. As in... the Andrew whose bride was officially a missing person for at least 48 hours.

Aiken looks at Andrew and asks thoughtfully, "Do you take your wife (literally) running away from you and then not speaking to you, perhaps ever again, as rejection?"

"Why yes I do, Mr Aiken!" Andrew replies, and suddenly everything is much better.

Except it isn't because this guy is legitimately traumatised.

But then Aiken asks Andrew if, hypothetically, Lauren were, hypothetically, here right now, would he want to, hypothetically, chat about why she totally ghosted him after their fake wedding? The answer is 'yes' and our palms are sweating with anticipation.

Eugh. The producers keep trying to fill the story line with other complications - but we just want to know where Lauren went and who she was abducted by.

On the subject of couples that never should have happened, Cheryl and Jonathan are at a winery in New Zealand.

BACK TO LAUREN AND ANDREW.

Lauren walks into the room to face Andrew and she's cacklin' like a mad woman.

WHY IS SHE LAUGHING? WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU LAUREN.

John Aiken is in his element. "This is pretty awkward guys," he says in a stern tone, as though it's not making for the best scene in Married at First Sight history.

"I need to know, as well as Andrew, what's happened," he says, staring intently at Lauren.

Lauren says the first thing she thought when she saw Andrew was "oh my god I'm glad I didn't wear heels." She's... savage.

"It was more so that I was expecting someone quite tall because I'm a tall girl, that was it."

Lauren definitely isn't taking the fact that she was a missing person for two days as seriously as everyone would like her to.

What follows is an incredibly awkward conversation.

Lauren says she was worried that Andrew didn't have kids, but then John Aiken gets all angry, and says they matched the two of them together BECAUSE Andrew was a primary school teacher. And that's the same as being a dad.

Lauren's clearly feeling a bit guilty about the whole thing so pretends like it's an "issue" she's had for a "long time." She "runs away" when she's "vulnerable."

You'd think the electrodes on the head/comprehensive personality testing/rigorous interviews would have picked this sh*t up... but guess not.

Alongside her "lol this is so awks," response she says, "....there's a lot more at stake for me than what there is for you. And I'm just trying to think of my son, my future and putting that first, rather than an experiment"

THEN. WHY. DID. YOU. GO. ON. THIS. SHOW. LAUREN.

Ultimately, Andrew is asked whether he is willing to continue in this experiment with Lauren, and his response goes a lil something like this:

And with a shake of the head, we see the end of our first relationship for this season.

One down, nine to go.

But at the honeymoons, John Aiken has gone rogue. "For some couples, the honeymoons will be an opportunity to increase the intimacy, and starting to have sex..." EW JOHN AIKEN PLS. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW.

But seriously a lot of people are having sex, such as definitely Nick and Sharon. And also Susan and Sean. But mostly Scarlett and Michael.

Deb then says potentially the truest thing we've ever heard; "I think we're not working, John and I."

John feels like he's constantly disappointing her, probably because he is.

There's some filler 'couples getting along' stuff but we don't care so moving right along.

OH. Michael still needs to tell Scarlett he's a mayalstrippa.

He makes approximately 47 excuses about why he hasn't told her yet, before he finally says "I'm a mayalstrippa".

Scarlett actually cannot understand what he said because his diction is so poor. Eventually he repeats MAYAL-STRIPPA, which begs the question, why do you have to specify male? We know you're not a femayalstrippa. Your gender is obvious.

Scarlett is indifferent and the whole encounter is anticlimactic.

The experts decide they need to stir some sh*t , so give (some?) couples a SECRET BOX WITH QUESTIONS IN IT.

Super important questions like 'do u fink I'm hot?' and 'u want babies or wot?'

Cheryl hurts Jonathan's feelings when she says "you're not the ugliest person I've ever seen," and then gets pissed when he's not being as affectionate with her.

Cool.

Meanwhile, John can sense that Debbie, um, hates him, so suggests he moves out. It's gotten to the point where he still wants a holiday, just not with her.

What comes next is the best thing that has ever happened in either of our lives.

"I don't know why you have to dramatise everything," says Debbie who pretty much cried before when a hint of John's saliva landed on her face.

"I'm constantly tripping over your things, and I kick my toe... and it's not the first time," she continues, and it's obvious she really doesn't want him to leave.

She just wants to hate him in person IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

As a side note, she speaks to everyone as though they are an inconvenient ill-behaved child, which must be frustrating for a 53-year-old father of two.

BUT THEN.

She storms out and unleashes everything she's been thinking for the past few days; "Why did we do the Polynesian themed wedding if there was no Polynesian?"

Debbie, it's the question we've all been asking.

"All they would have had to do is put an ad out and they would have got about 100 of them. And they would have found one..."

Debbie. Polynesians are people. You can't just put ads out for people. THIS WHOLE THING JUST FEELS SO RACIST.

The "cake wasn't even gluten free," she complains and HOMG this whole thing is just so brilliant.

We then cut to couples getting along BLA.

BUT HOLY JESUS THE DRAMA IS NOT DONE.

Scarlett and Michael have discovered that a) they have nothing in common and b) logistically their relationship could never work.

Michael lives in Perth and Scarlett lives in Sydney, which are not even a little bit the same place.

Michael says he would never move and he hates travelling. But Scarlett has moved three times for partners before and when Michael says he's not in a position to go anywhere, she immediately becomes our unlikely feminist hero.

"For her - she's just writing at the moment - and you can write anywhere," Michael says... which to us sounds very, um, dismissive.

When Scarlett unexpectedly pushes back, Michael decides he doesn't even like her anyway and says that he was really after someone with "direction".

We think he breaks up with her but we're not 100 per cent sure.

"At the moment it's only going to feel like a friendship..." he says.

WHAT THE F*CK.

"I think you're probably the fakest person I've ever met in my entire life," she says.

Then she tells him, "You're not looking for a relationship, you're looking for someone to have sex with..." and runs off crying.

Other things happen but none of that matters.

Tomorrow night is the cocktail party and it appears both John and Debbie and Michael and Scarlett are in attendance. Why? HOW? THIS EXPERIMENT HAS ALREADY FAILED.

Until tomorrow!

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