What Would Matt Preston Do?
What’s the best thing about Masterchef? The tears. I mean, the judges. Without the judges, there’d be no drama. There’d be no pressure. There’d be no cravats.
If you want your life to be more like Masterchef, you need to act like a Judge. WWMPD. What would Matt Preston do?
How to: Be a MASTERCHEF JUDGE.
1. Yell some obvious things out at the top of your lungs, at any time of day. My favourite is, “Remember, that chicken needs to be cooked!”. Or “You want your dish to be full of flavour”. Or “Me like good food. You make good food now.”
2. You don’t really need to know how to cook, but you do need to know how to stress other cooks out. Wander in as your mum or your partner or a local pizza guy cook your dinner. Fire questions at them. “Are you sure you haven’t missed something?” When they look confused, just shrug and walk away. Or “mushrooms? In a pan? That’s not how I would do it. Definitely not how I would do it.”… And then shrug and walk away.
Or simply stare at them, stare into the pot, stare back at them…. And then shrug and walk away.
Want more Masterchef-related goodness? ‘Sorry Masterchef, I love plain food’
3. Eat with the reverence and lethargy of a two-hundred pound baby. Close your eyes as if the food is making you sleepy, don’t move your jaw much. Just suck it, say nothing, and then have a nap with your blanky.
4. As you talk, count every point slowly on your fingers. That way your point is clear (imagine I just counted that on my little finger, a la Matt Preston), it’s emphatic (second finger), it’s passionate (third finger), and it’s dramatic (fourth finger). “In this dish, you’ve got salt. You’ve got acidic. You’ve got creamy. You’ve got crunch”… If necessary, continue to count on second hand, and then toes, and then a nearby chefs’ fingers, or the chillies on a chilli bush. This is not restricted to talking about food. You may be talking about cooking (that’s one finger), or friendship, or family, or competition, or chimneys, or unicorns, or…..
5. In any/every conversation on any/every day, whether it is relevant or random, make sure you mention how the acidity is cutting through the richness of the sauce, and make a cutting motion with your hand.
6. Tell everyone they need to move faster. Whatever they are doing, they NEED TO MOVE FASTER. Don’t forget to clap your hands as you say it.
‘Hungry’ for more… get it? Masterchef favourite spills the beans on romance.
7. Unless you are a judge describing a challenge, in which case, the more commas, that can be put in the sentence, the better, because a dramatic pause, is more important, than a cherry, on, a sundae. “Today, you will, be making, a dessert, so difficult, it makes Mt Fuji, look like, an anthill”.
8. Croquembouches. You need to know a good croquembouche. You need to know how to make a good croquembouche. You need to know how to pronounce ‘croquembouche’. Preferably, you need to live inside a croquembouche, or wear one as a hat at all times.
9. Point out to chefs how life-changing this experience/dish/challenge/cheese toastie is. If possible, mention a dead or close (or preferably both) relative of theirs, and how much they would like this experience/dish/challenge/cheese toastie to go well. If the chef cries (most likely because he is not competing on Masterchef, just making lunch), then zoom in and whisper something inspiring that includes the word ‘life-changing’ and ‘proud’.
10. Use as many food puns as possible, and metaphors. Neither of these need to be in context or actually make sense, especially if you are Gary. They just need to be loud and yelled towards the clock. “This is one tricky kettle of fish, but it’s better to be a small fish in a big kettle than two in the hand, so get your fish steaming! Five minutes left!”
You seriously still want more Masterchef? Outrage, I’m not feeling you on Masterchef Boys vs Girls. In fact…
Go forth, friends. Live your life like Masterchef. Live with passion, drama, and blue bandaids. And when all else fails and life falls apart, throw all the crap stuff into a blender, pour it into a ramekin and call it a purée.
That’s what a Masterchef would do.