Dear Wippa from Fitzy-and-Wippa,
I have some words for you.
Yesterday, I was listening to you on the wireless, and you said something that
pissed me right off revolutionised my personality. I was driving my funny car down my funny street, thinking funny thoughts and just being a total LOL-a-minute, when out of nowhere, you told me I should stop being so funny, because guys don’t like it.
“Guys don’t like the funny girl,” you said. “Funny often means you’re the loud one, and I don’t think guys like the loud girl in the group.”
Fitzy tried to shut you down (bless) but you were relentless. “If you find the girl who’s the loud, funny one in the pub, guys just aren’t into you. Not very ladylike. Don’t be too funny around guys.”
Thank fuck you’ve given me that advice, Wippa. I might have continued to have a sense of humour and remained alone forever.
The day before yesterday, I was so busy making jokes around my male counterparts, that I didn’t even bake any apple pies for them that day. I stupidly poured all of my energy into having a personality, and NOT thinking about whether I was being attractive enough to men, and consequently I have this annoyingly large sense of humour and no babies.
My bad, entirely.
Hopefully, now that I’ve removed my funny bone, I can attract some husband material. FINALLY, I can stop pretending to be a complete and independent person, and instead have someone make all the jokes and witticisms on my behalf. Because that’s what wives are, aren’t they Wippa? You’re the married one. I wouldn’t know, obviously – I’ve been too busy being funny to find a husband.
Now, I’m embarrassed to admit this Wippa, but until you cured me yesterday, I had two favourite phrases that I would say. Sometimes I’d say them in pubs. Sometimes, I would even say them in front of MEN.
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Now, I warn you, Wippa – block your ears. These two phrases are ‘not very ladylike’. They are:
“Eat a bowl of dicks”
“Suck my fat one”
To my own detriment, I wasn’t thinking about whether boys would like me if I said these two phrases. I was just saying them because I thought they were awesome (one of them is a quote from my favourite movie, Stand By Me). Embarrassingly, I wasn’t thinking of being attractive, and I was just saying these two phrases because the very words forming in my mouth felt powerful, fun and fearless at once.
I’ll never say them again though, lest a man laugh and immediately become less attracted to me.
Actually, just let me get one more use out of those phrases before I have my humour lobotomy…
To any guy (and I don’t think there are many, Wippa. In fact, it’s probs just you, mate) who wants to shut women up to make them more appealing:
If my sense of humour is getting in the way of you picturing me as sexy, then that’s fine. I don’t want you anyway. Save yourself a lifetime of laughter, and go find someone who is willing to be boring so you can feel good about yourself. I’d rather be alone, entertaining myself, than stuck with someone who wants their women without a sense of humour. If I’m being too funny for you, then you can kindly EABOD and SMFO.
Okay, that’s all. I promise to be less funny and more appealing from now on. Thanks for the advice.
Sincerely and humourlessly,
P.S. I apologise for all the sarcasm, it’s the lowest form of humour and I have to quit humour now.
P.P.S. Just kidding. And still kidding. Always and forever. Ah, shit. Whaddyagonnado?