Rosie Waterland reviews the craziest movie of all time.

Disclaimer: I know nothing about American history and therefore I attempted to watch this film as if it were historical fact. I assumed all the vampire bits were made up and the rest was completely accurate.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, is one intense viewing experience. Released in 2012 and starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, it was based on the very popular book of the same name. So this is the fake historical movie version of a fake historical book. With vampires. Heaven.

“So this is the fake historical movie version of a fake historical book. With vampires. Heaven.”

I’m immediately confused because there’s no White House. Where is the White House? The film opens with some little kid who sticks up for an African American slave boy who’s being abused by a plantation owner. Ah. So the little kid is Abraham. This is a very fancy movie technique that movie people use called ‘providing a backstory’. Abraham’s dad gets fired because he’s not a total racist. Then to be doubly douchey, the plantation owner also kills Abraham’s mum. Abraham is pissed.

He grows up, and decides he’s going to find the plantation owner and kill him as revenge for like, ruining his life. But when he tries to kill him, he finds out he’s a vampire, and then Abraham is all like, “Well, then naturally my life’s mission is to KILL ALL VAMPIRES” (And maybe possibly get to that slave-freeing thing later. If there’s time).

Said vampire hunter.

Lincoln meets some dude who teaches him to be a vampire hunter, which apparently just involves stabbing vampires with silver. It takes him ten years of training to learn this. Lincoln finally finds the plantation owner/vampire hunter who killed his mummy, and manages to kill him with the silver he spent ten years learning how to use. But right before the dude dies, he tells Lincoln that his vampire hunting teacher is actually a vampire himself. Cue lots of “WHAAA? No! But it can’t be!” looks from Lincoln. He gives up on the whole vampire thing and is all, “Well, I guess I’ll run for President then.”

Lincoln marries his wife Mary and they move into the White House (finally – the White House) and have a son. That son is very quickly killed by a vampire, which makes Lincoln want to be a President/Vampire Hunter. But, just as he’s about to begin his part-time job, that whole pesky civil war thing begins, and the South have got themselves an army of vampires to fight at Gettysburg, which I assume is completely factually accurate.

From here, there’s a lot of vampires v humans + historical backdrop-type scenes. Lots of epic fighting and backstabbing and double-crossing. One second one vampire’s on the good side, and then he’s not, and then all of a sudden (and I’m not spoiling anything here, because you know, slavery was abolished), the North win and all the pesky racist vampires from the South run away.

The best part of the whole movie is saved for the very, very end, when some of the good vampires beg good ol’ Lincoln to convert himself into a vampire-man so that he can fight vampires forever and ever. But Lincoln’s all like, “Nah, would rather just go the THEATRE WITH MY WIFE.” Noooo, Lincoln. Noooo. Please give in to the lure of human blood – you’re about to die.

He heads to the theatre, which is a bit of a downer. But slavery is abolished, the vampires have run away, and all in all, I’ve learned a hell of a lot about a period of American history I previously knew nothing about. #educational

Have you seen this movie? What did you think?

Want more blood sucking action? Check out these vampire movies and TV shows…

Vampire movies/shows.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Angel

True Blood

The Vampire Diaries

Blade

Vamps

Byzantium

Vampire Academy

Twilight

Dracula

Fright Night

Underworld

Want more? How about:

Rosie reviews Black Swan. Or, “The Girl Who Goes Crazy From Hunger”.

ROSIE: Struggle Street wasn’t exploitative, it was real.