Welcome, reader friends.

I would like to address our society’s greatest abomination:baths.

Now I understand baths have been around for thousands of years. They’ve been adored by everyone from the Romans, to the Egyptians, and my 54-year-old mother, Vicky.

“Baths are the best!” the fanatics insist while looking like smug, wrinkly leather couches. “Look how relaxed we are!”

I feel it must be said that all these people are wrong, and it’s time they realised just how ridiculous their claims are.

Why? Because baths are a conspiracy.

Here’s how the usual bath goes:

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