The Twins recap The Bachelorette Episode 2: Abs, pashes and the worst poem IN THE WORLD.

We begin with all the dudes just dudein’ out, having a totally natural conversation, saying things like, “Mate how intense was the rose ceremony last night!?”

But… it wasn’t really. The guy who literally thought he could BUY a woman and insisted he was on Tinder for ‘business’ went home, alongside a faceless man named Dale. Seriously. Neither of us can even slightly recall what Dale looked like.

Then something happens.

Osher strolls into the impromptu dude chat with his casual shirt coupled with (what we are imagining) is a comfortable, low-key loafer. He is just one of the guys.

Osher wants you to know HE IS JUST ONE OF THE GUYS.

...mate. What... what you doin' with your right hand there? No one has done the 'peace' symbol since '08.

As is customary, Osher leaves a date card and the men all squeal and jump up and down until someone reads what's inside!

Sam, who I think we can all agree is getting more than his fair share of screen time, admits he's threatened by Lee. But instead of brainstorming how he can improve himself (eg. buy a donkey) Sam says the unimaginable; "I'll take you down and that donkey that got you here."

Point is, Jake gets the single date and they all high five because #bros.

They go to the Blue Mountains and it looks a) too early b) too cold and c) uncomfortable. Georgia takes Jake in a cable car and for a moment we think maybe it will be a normal date where they do a low-key activity with some light banter/selfies etc.

But nah. Why have fun when you can CLIMB 100 METERS INTO THE FOREST FLOOR. The activity is so intense we don't even fully understand it.

Okay pause.

Why does EVERYONE on the Bachelor/Bachelorette have to love adrenalin and adventure? Like FFS, you're in the Blue Mountains and it's rainy and cold, do you reallllllly neeeeed to do whatever the fuck it is you're doing? Just watch a movie or somethin'. It all looks very tiring.

Back at the mansion, someone has discovered a GROUP date card. The announcement goes down something like this:

Cameron: FELLLAAAZZ. Group date card!

'Fellas' in unison: WHHHEEEEYYY.

Cameron: First name, Rhys.

'Fellas' in unison: RHHHYSSAYY.

Cameron: Next, Ben.

'Fellas' in unison: BENNNAAAYYY.

But... then there's some guys who just don't generate that kind of response.

Cameron: Clancy.

We swear to God we heard someone in the background say "...nurrrrr."

They're all convinced it's paintball for some reason, which just goes to show how well they know women.

ANYWHO back on Jake and Georgia's date, all Jake can say about Georgia is how much he loves her eyes. He cannot even.

YOU GUYS HE JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH HER EYES.

The conversation then turns to the subject of wanting a long term partner. Georgia says with her parents it's always been about "we" and "us" but FUCK we're bad people because all we can think about is the fact that her dad is a urologist and OF COURSE IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT WEE.

"I want to be a wee," says Georgia. "A wee?" asks Jake.

Also of note is that Jake is actually very hot and we didn't notice it until now-ish. They kiss, Georgia's super keen and it's all very nice.

But when Jake returns it's just bro-code that he has to tell the 'OIZ (=boys) how the date went. And Lee is holding a football because of course he is.

Now it's time for the other men to go on a group date and it's a photo shoot for a Mills and Boon cover because this is somehow where our quest for gender equality has landed us.

Ben laments that his problem area is "this bit" while pointing to his face, which is how all of us feel about modelling.

Cam gets to do one on his own - probably because he's a fireman - and he says he's excited to show Georgia some of his personality. Yes, like this personality:

We like the part of his personality where... abs.

Rhys starts giving advice about how to model because he is very generous like that. And it's at this point that the tension between Rhys and Sam descends into a FULL BLOWN WAR.

Rhys is mad because Sam is totally denying the fact that he has modeled before, and Rhys is all just like "own it bro - nothin' to be ashamed of" and Sam is like "stop telling me how to live my life."

While getting his makeup done, Rhys explains that not everyone who models is stupid. "They're just some switched on people who happen to be good looking," he says.

Yep, that sounds really sad. When it comes time for Rhys and Sam to shoot their photo with Georgia, Rhys takes his shirt off and goes full male-model. He says the word "rig" one too many times. Which is once. One is too many times. Sam says that Rhys is "froffin" to get his shirt off, and that is indeed a scientific fact.

When Georgia asks Sam whether he's modelled before, he insists he did "a long time ago," just for "Big W and Aldi."

But a little-known source named www.google.com tells a very different story.

Georgia then gets very hot and sweaty with Fireman Cam in their PRIVATE photoshoot. We're friggin' loving her because she's just so excited because all these guys are really hot and they're all here for her and we just wish we were Georgia Love right now.

She's so happy. At first she thought Fireman Cam was cute, but she says the chemistry that went on in their photoshoot was "more than cute, that was hot."

GEORGIA!

Sam tells all the guys that Cam and Georgia were totally "mackin' on" - so it's clear he is now the producers' minion.

Now that Georgia knows what all the men will look like in their future four page spread in New Idea,  it's time for her to make her decision.

At the cocktail party, Sam steals Georgia away to talk about one thing and one thing only: how much he hates Rhys. Georgia is clearly confused AF as to why all these guys seem to do is talk about each other.

GET OVER YOURSELVES. I'M FAR MORE INTERESTING.

Rhys then interrupts because the producers almost certainly paid him to. Sam is mad, so he goes to talk to his bros about it. But they cannot right now. They are LOOKING OVER HIM at Rhys. They keep nodding along with what Sam says like "mhmm", but it's clear they're not listening. Because tbh, Sam is getting a little in the way of their view of Rhys.

It's at this point it becomes clear why all the dudes have been gee-ing Rhys up to go and speak to Georgia. It's a little weird...like...don't you guys want to speak to her? Why are you so incessant upon...?

Oh.

Ohhh.

He has a f*cking poem and it's f*cking terrible. And everyone wants to see how she reacts.

Our conversation went as follows:

Jessie: Kill me. No pls kill me.

Clare: THIS WINDOW WON'T OPEN LET ME OUT. 

Jessie: No like my cringe valve...it's breaking. And it hurts. 

Clare: I'M BLEEDING FROM THE EARS. 

Jessie: He has ruined all the things. Forever. 

Clare: *Rocks silently in foetal position*. 

Eventually it finishes, but by that point we're emotionally traumatised and we're mad there was no trigger warning.

It's awkward because now it's the rose ceremony, and like any sane woman, OBVIOUSLY Georgia wants to send Rhys home because he wrote her a stupid poem. But she can't. Because it was thoughtful. ARGH we can't stand this emotional manipulation.

It's at this point we realise what the Bachelorette mansion is starting to look like: predrinks at a private school boys' formal.

This young chap is obviously in the choir.

Roses are distributed, and eventually it is cute, loveable, thrice-pooing Ben who is sent home. And he has but one regret.

They did a photoshoot, and the self titled "5.5/10" guy got sent home.

This is not a good day for us 5.5s. Not a good day at all.

Ben, at least you can poo in peace.