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"Yummy Mummies just aired the most ridiculous reality TV plot line we've ever seen."

You could say the last thing we need as women in 2017 is a show called The Yummy Mummies.

You could say that.

Or you could say that we’ve been teetering on the full blown objectification of pregnancy for a while now and it’s time we went all the way.

It is with that premise that we begin.

... Cool.

We open with three heavily pregnant women jay-walking, which might just be the least problematic thing that will ever happen on this show.

THERE IS NO CROSSING PLS.
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As Lorinska, Rachel and Jane shop for very-designer clothes, the conversation turns to the subject of why pregnant women (ugh, the worst) decide to dress so badly.

"Some young mums just seem to lose it during pregnancy... like normally glamorous people are walking outside of the house looking daggy," explains Rachel, with no sense whatsoever that what she's saying is wildly politically incorrect.

Entertainment Editor Laura Brodnik speaks to Rachel Watts from Yummy Mummies on The Binge about what it was really like to film the show. Post continues below. 

"I hate frumpy maternity clothes, there's no need for it... Like people are still seeing them. You're pregnant. You're not dead."

Okay, firstly, dead people don't get dressed in the morning. So there's no such thing as dressing like you're dead. And secondly, allow us to explain the need for frumpy maternity clothes.

That's just like... the rules.

Ahem.

Comfort. Happiness. Pleasure. Elastic waistbands. Warmth. Room. We repeat, elastic waistbands. Neither of us are even a little bit pregnant and we would like to wear frumpy maternity clothes please.

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The tall blonde of the group, Lorinska, clearly the alpha-preg (sorry), then finds a bikini on the rack and says, "It just keeps the relationship alive, in the bedroom, don't you reckon?"

Oh.

Oh, no. People don't wear bikinis in the bedroom to spice things up. That's not a thing.

EXCUSE US THERE'S ANOTHER YUMMY MUM PLS.

We flash to Maria who lives in Adelaide, and introduces herself by somewhat aggressively insisting "you gotta understand I love labels," which doesn't sound like something we really have to understand.

LISTEN TO ME.

She explains that she has a little Burberry snowsuit for her unborn baby, which is fine, but uhh WHAT BABY IN ADELAIDE NEEDS A GODDAMN SNOWSUIT? WHAT BABY?

Maria also introduces us to her baby's shoe collection, and look. We love baby shoes as much as the next person, because they are small and silly, but this is simply absurd.

Baby's feet are quite literally square and insist on not actually fitting into any shoes. Also, where do baby's even go? Where do they walk? Maria has baby running shoes in there but FOR WHY?

We then meet Maria's mother Margherita, who Maria introduces purely with a description of her physical appearance. Yes, Margherita is a type of pizza and not a human name but tbh it's the most unremarkable thing we've heard for the last five minutes so we'll play on.

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Margherita says she's going to spoil this baby when it comes, and we realise how she ended up with a daughter who gets aggressive about how much she loves labels.

Maria is obviously in the midst of planning the BIGGEST Burberry baby shower in Adelaide. She phrases this as though

A) Burberry themed baby showers are a thing, and

B) Having the biggest baby shower in Adelaide would be a legitimate achievement. It's confusing.

"For when we get snowed in."

Back in Melbourne, the women are talking about breastfeeding, and Lorinska explains she's had a genuine fear of breastfeeding ever since she saw a cow being milked as a child. Jane, who has now, eight minutes in, only just spoken for the first time, tries to reassure her that there are lots of positives.

Rachel decides to do an impersonation of a baby being breastfed and legit it's traumatising.

That's enough discussion of actual issues that might be relevant to pregnant women so MARIA IS DEMANDING A BIGGER ROOM FOR HER BABY SHOWER PLEASE.

A poor events co ordinator named Jess finds herself the innocent victim of Maria's bizarre demands that the venue move a 300 people wedding so she can have her 50 person baby shower in the bigger dining room.

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No, Maria. The answer is goddamn no.

"I'm pregnant, I can't deal with any stress," Maria insists, and we think that maybe being filmed full time for a reality TV show named Yummy Mummies while heavily pregnant maybe isn't helping that situation. Especially when they are clearly set on characterising you as a bitch.

Jess, every time you say no my baby loses a finger.

Pause.

The music is... off.

It's all like semi-old pop music and we don't know if the rights are like... cheaper or something... but it's all far too literal.

The playlist includes Good Feeling by Flo Rida, Bossy by Kelis, This is how we do by Katy Perry and - we wish we were making this up - Rich Girl by goddamn Gwen Stefani.

What the f*ck.

Here's where the producers attempt to introduce a plot line which is far too arbitrary for a reality show.

Jess, AKA the event co ordinator assigned the event from hell, suggests Maria have a look through this amazing Instagram account called Melbourne Yummy Mummies for baby shower inspiration.

We can all acknowledge this definitely isn't a thing that happened but they clearly needed a link, no matter how tenuous, between the three women in Melbourne and the random in Adelaide.

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Instantly, Maria is obsessed. Who are these women? How dare they also be pregnant? Why did they not throw a Burberry baby shower?

I needed more followers tbh...

So she does the only logical thing a person can do when they feel jealous of people on Instagram. She invites them to her baby shower. 

Of course, what makes this even more ridiculous is that this bloody Instagram account IS NOT A THING, because the only reason this Instagram is/will be a thing, is because of the show THEY ARE IN THE MIDST OF FILMIN.

There are literally pornos with a more realistic storyline than this.

In Melbourne, Lorinska decides her husband is buying her a $99,000 ring as a 'push present,' which is something we've never heard of because pregnancy isn't usually about presents. 

Anyway, back to the part where Maria wants three strange women she's never met but also already hates at her baby shower. They arrive in Adelaide and Maria greets them at her Versace mansion as though all of this is normal.

She explains she's having a daughter, who she's naming Valentina, and as the women discuss their partners, their lifestyles, and their views on breastfeeding in public there are so many problems it would be anxiety-inducing to address them in any meaningful way. 

Maria takes the Melbourne mums-to-be upstairs to show off the fact she's already bought clothes for her daughter up until she turns 14. 

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There are many of them.

This is the part where we reflect on the amount of starving children in the world, and those who don't have a roof over their heads, let alone a Burberry snowsuit. But honestly if we go too far down that road we'll actually vomit.

Maria insists that the other women's stunned reactions are because "they're jealous."

Jesus.

Lorinska asks whether the countless designer handbags are fake, and Maria looks as though someone has just slapped her across the face and stomped all over her family's matching Burberry outfits.

She insists she's "allergic to counter fake," and oh my God someone just correct her why must we watch this.

Wtf...
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There is a great side plot evolving, where Margherita is learning a choreographed dance for Maria's baby shower. She says to the camera, "Those girls are going to die when they see me move my hips baby!" and actually what are we watching right now.

OH MARGHERITA HAS FINISHED HER LESSON AND ARRIVED TO MEET HER DAUGHTER'S NEW FRIENDS.

She brings them flowers and insists they have a glass of champagne, which is now the second time she's asked a pregnant person to drink alcohol.

They all "bond", like when 'bonding' means 'I want to get to know you, so I can hate you more', and it's all very charming.

GOODNESS. It's the day of the baby shower and Jess the event planner clearly hasn't had a wink of sleep. She is one, "WHERE IS MY CAKE TABLE?" away from resigning on the spot.

Maria arrives absurdly early and just yells things that legitimately make no sense. The present table isn't big enough, people are blowing balloons up too slowly, and then she goes rogue and just starts screaming things like, "NO, PUT THE VASE OVER THERE."

No one has any idea what's going on, but the three Melbourne mummies (the word 'mummies' makes us feel dirty) are getting ready for the baby shower, but look as though they're about to step into a limo for the Logies.

We end on a cliff hanger.

Will alpha-preg outshine Maria? Will Maria pull off her Versace baby shower? Will Jess have a mental breakdown and stab herself in the eye with a cake fork? Will the girls 'die' when they see Margherita perform her choreographed dance routine?

UNTIL NEXT WEEK....

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia's TV podcast The Binge, here.