'Seeing a psychic over Zoom is a waste of money': 26 things I learnt from the world's longest lockdown.

Melbourne, the world’s former most liveable city, has officially become the world’s most locked-down city.

I've spent a total of 267 days in lockdown. And what a year it’s been! I’ve sure learned a lot about life, love, and loneliness, although to be fair to Melbourne, I was lonely before lockdown.

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So what did I learn?

1. Yes, it’s really awkward when that guy from Hinge turns up to your walking date in chinos and loafers and you’re in full activewear.

2. No, you will never have chemistry with that guy from Hinge sober at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon.

3. Don’t add sauteed broccolini to instant noodles. Just stop trying to make vegetables happen.

4. Yes, a loaf of bread is a snack.

5. It’s not your period. You just gained 10 pounds.

6. Okay, now it’s your period. Another reminder you’re single and running out of eggs.

7. No, you don’t need to buy a $650 cold press juicer.

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8. Yes, if you drink enough beetroot juice you will think you have internal bleeding the next time you go to the toilet.

9. "How’s lockdown treating you?" is not a good pick-up line.

10. That weird guy in your DMs is still not your type.

11. If Netflix’s Sex/Life turned you on, then you’ve most likely had no sex and no life in a very long time.

12. If the chess moves in The Queen’s Gambit turned you on, then you’re fine.

13. Stop buying books.

14. Putting together an Ikea bookshelf is a healthy way to spend a weekend.

15. Hiding your self-help books before the weird guy from your DMs comes over is not a healthy way to spend a weekend.

16. Expensive imported wine is the new international travel.

17. Expensive hand-poured candles is the new holiday romance.

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18. Calling in sick, bingeing eight hours of Netflix, falling asleep on the couch, waking up at 9am, not showering or brushing your teeth, getting a coffee home-delivered, calling in sick again and turning the TV back on is the new self-care.

19. It is socially acceptable to wear velvet pajamas to your quarterly performance review.

20. A vibrator is a replacement for pleasure, not love.

21. Food is a replacement for love.

22. It’s still not your period. You just gained 15 pounds.

23. Yes, all the guys in the COVID testing queue are married.

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24. Seeing a psychic over Zoom is a waste of money.

25. It’s unlikely that your therapist will "see" a husband in your future. He’ll probably tell you about vulnerability, and communication, and whatnot. Which is an even bigger waste of money.

26. Yeah, your condoms have probably expired.

I take that back. I learned nothing about life - or sex.

This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission. 

For more from Hannah, you can find her on Instagram.

Feature Image: Supplied.

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