It should go without saying, but don't put "womb detox pearls" into your vagina.

A woman’s womb, apparently, “is not only a vessel for bringing in souls to the physical plane, but also a vessel that can hold on to emotional, physical and spiritual trauma and pain.”

So says Embrace Pangaea, one of the company’s trying to sell American women detox programs for their downstairs regions, obviously by convincing them they’re gross.

(See: Marketing To Women 101)

I’ll just let them give you the sale pitch:

Video via Embrace Pangaea

Essentially, for the very reasonable price of US$15-75, you can “rebalance” your out-of-sorts womb by inserting a number of herbal pearls into your vagina.

Apparently, these ridiculous, mesh-covered balls of “ancient herbs” can heal any number of ailments including, but not limited to, bacterial vaginosis, yeast infections, endometriosis, infertility, cramping and PCOS.

Who knew that ominous, non-specific “toxins” were the reason you struggled to conceive or suffer a bout of thrush every other month?

But wait, before you go reaching for your credit card, let an actual medical professional clear a few things up.

Writing on her blog, general practitioner Dr. Jen Gunther makes three very salient points regarding Herbal Womb Detox Balls:

1. Your vagina and uterus are fine as they are.

“Your uterus isn’t tired or depressed or dirty and your vagina has not misplaced its chakra,” she writes.

“They want no real help from you unless there is something wrong and they will tell you there is something wrong by bleeding profusely or itching or cramping badly or producing an odour.”

Basically if something is wrong, you’ll know. Then you’ll go and see your doctor.

2.Seriously though, your vagina cleans itself. Leave it alone.

Vaginas are full of “good bacteria” that keep everything in check.

It’s only when you upset the balance, say with antibiotics or by shoving a ball of obscure herbs up there, that you are exposed to the risk of infection.

3. Leaving a bag of herbs inside yourself for three days is not just gross, it’s also dangerous.

When you deposit a foreign object inside your vagina for a long period of time, the body rejects it.

Bad bacteria will begin to grow, which at best will start to smell bad and at worst could actually give you a bacterial infection or toxic shock syndrome.

Her final pearl of wisdom?

“Leave it alone, it’s not exactly sentient but it can cope very well without any meddling.”

Also, can we just point out that the vagina is separated from the womb a little thing called the cervix.

Cheers, science.

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