'I'm choosing not to have my kids on Christmas Day. Here's why.'

So often in popular culture, we see Christmas Day as a time spent with a dozen or more of your closest loved ones, celebrating in the most 'cookie cutter Christmas-cheer' way possible. 

But as so many of us know first-hand, not all families look like that. And the way we celebrate Christmas – or any holiday – doesn't look the exact same either.

For Lauren Demetriou, she chooses not to spend Christmas with her kids. 

Ever since separating from the father of her two daughters in 2019, Lauren has decided to do things differently. And she says it's one of the best things she's ever done – for both herself, her kids and her now ex-husband.

***

In 2003, Lauren first met her ex-husband Ben – she was 21 and he was 23. At the time they were both studying, socialising and falling in love with each other. They eventually married in 2010, later welcoming their two daughters in 2014 and 2016 respectively.

As they aged and their life circumstances changed, so did their relationship. 

"I began having second thoughts about the marriage a few years before we actually separated. I proposed some couples counselling which he did, but in the end I didn't feel that it was salvageable. So I instigated our separation in 2019," Lauren said to Mamamia.

"We wanted different things out of life, we had different goals and had just become different people. It was like we were housemates rather than husband and wife."

When Lauren and Ben separated, their two daughters were two and five. Breaking the news to them was challenging, but something Lauren said she's glad to have sought out expert advice on.

"We sat them down a week after the split, and our couple's counselling psychologist had shared with us how to translate this sort of big news to a child of a young age. We explained to them 'Daddy would like to live in a house where he can make his own rules, and Mummy would like to do the same'."

Neither Lauren nor Ben had much of a roadmap for dealing with a divorce, as it wasn't a commonality in their wider social circle or extended family. 

Somehow, they managed to make it work. Of course, it wasn't all rosy – divorce in itself can be a painful thing. But for this former couple, they were determined to keep one objective front of mind: to always focus on the kids and move forward as a unit. And it's for this exact reason why Lauren chooses not to have her kids with her on Christmas Day.

Prior to their split, Christmas was quite the festivity in Lauren and Ben's shared household. So much so that for Lauren, Christmas almost felt like a chore rather than a time of relaxation and celebration, constantly juggling different parts of their extended family and invitations. 

It's something lots of parents can relate to, the mental load attached to it all.

Watch: Things Mums never say at Christmas. Post continues below.

"Christmas was never a holiday that's been deeply important to me. And I remember so many years of stress, having multiple family functions and not having healthy boundaries in place. But for my ex, it's a different story. For him and his loved ones, Christmas has a lot of resonance. Some of them are quite religious as well – so I think it would mean more to him to have the kids on the 25th."

Lauren describes her first Christmases post-separation as liberating. Because now she's able to make her own new traditions.

"He gets the kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and I either spend it with my parents and brothers at a family event or whatever I feel like doing. I then celebrate the wider holiday time with the girls for a week or so from the 27th onward – we love going to Victoria's surf coast."

And looking back over the last few years, Lauren said their two daughters have adjusted really well to the new arrangement.

"I think they've seen what an amicable divorce/custody arrangement can look like and that makes them feel secure. We never fight in front of the kids, and if they ever have any questions we choose to answer them. Plus this way, the festive celebrations aren't just on one specific day, but more of a week-long occasion," Lauren said.

And for Lauren personally, the mental load has been lifted as well. 

"No longer do I have to manage the 'perfect' Christmas day, and negotiate with someone about what to get the kids. I do what I want to do, and it feels great. Sure, Ben and I may consult on gifts for the girls if it's a big-ticket item, but there's less stress now. Plus, we no longer have to get gifts for one another's families as well."

Lauren spending her time around the Christmas period at Victoria's Surf Coast Shire. Image: Supplied.

"So often when we think of divorced parents, we focus on the negatives. And it can be hard for many, don't get me wrong. But there can be big positives as well."

Gillian Coote, Founder and Managing Partner of Coote Family Lawyers shared with Mamamia some of her key tips for co-parenting.

 1. Put your children first: "Cooperation is key. Conflict between parents (and grandparents), about these issues will only make the whole thing more stressful for children. At a time of year when 'joy' is supposed to be front and centre, creating or contributing to an argument about what parents want, as opposed to what might be the simplest and often the happiest Christmas period for the children, cannot possibly be in their best interests," she said. "Consider how your children would like to spend the holidays, how to maintain special traditions, and how to create new ones for your new arrangements."

2. There's no best way to share your children at Christmas: "There's no one size fits all approach to child arrangements. For example, for people who have family living interstate or overseas, an arrangement to alternate the Christmas period can work best. Ultimately an arrangement which is practical and adapted to the individual needs of each family will be the least stressful for both parents and children. It is also important to remember not to get too hung up on Christmas Day, as children are happy to celebrate Christmas with their respective parents at any time over the holiday period."

3. Communication: "When you've agreed on your holiday season co-parenting arrangements, communicate the plan to your children if they are at an age where they will understand. While your children – especially if they are young – might not be part of the decision-making process, they will benefit from understanding when and where they will spend their time and who they will see during the summer holidays."

4. Alternatives to reaching an agreement directly with your ex: "If you can’t come to an agreement with your ex, you may need to seek professional advice. A lawyer or mediator can help guide you in reaching an amicable agreement for sharing the holiday season with your children that works for both parties."

5. Take care of yourself: "If you are spending Christmas without your children, remember you're not alone and that there are many other parents in similar situations who are missing their children. Whether you decide to spend time with family and friends, recreate Christmas day when your children are back in your home, or travel - remember to look after yourself."

Of course, 'time heals all wounds' is something so many rely on when it comes to monumental life changes like divorce. And while it's likely too simplistic a statement to place upon someone in the depths of grief, there is something to be said about adjusting to a 'new normal'. 

And for Lauren, that new normal is slowly starting to set in.

"I'm only three years out the other side of a separation. But what I've learned is that it takes consistent lines of communication to make it work and keep things smooth," she said to Mamamia. 

"I think you learn quite quickly to always put your kids' needs front and centre. It takes hard work, and it's not going to be perfect – but Christmas never is perfect – so why bother trying to pretend otherwise!"

Feature Image: Supplied.

It can be tricky raising little humans and that’s why we want to hear from all Parents in this short survey. Take our survey now to go in the running to win a $50 gift voucher!