The birth of a child should be an exciting time for a family, but sadly, there’s often someone who wants to make it all about them. Case in point – this grandmother who’s refused to even set eyes upon her grandson, simply because she wasn’t allowed at the birth.
A woman has posted on chat forum Netmums under a thread called, “Mum hates me because she wasn’t at the birth” – and it’s as sad as it is frustrating.
The new mum writes: “I had my little boy in August. In the run up my mum kept demanding she was at the birth because ‘I won’t cope’ and I need her there (I’m 24 and married).”
The woman told her mother that if she needs her on the day, she’ll definitely call for her immediately – but she should be fine with her husband. The labour went smoothly, and the woman says she “felt [she] coped really well.”
‘Good on her,’ most people would say. But sadly, that wasn’t her own mother’s response.
Top Comments
Some parents find it really hard to accept that their adult children can cope in the world perfectly fine without them. Some parents miss the step from life guide to friend. I don't know...certainly it could be narssicism that causes them to be controlling and hurtful. But I think for some parents they just don't know how to interact with their adult children--how to be there in support without being able to call all the shots. They end up usng emotional manipulation to create guilt and get their way. I think this grandmother really wanted to be there, and didn't know how to deal with it when she was told no. Unfortunately it caused her to lash out--probably out of hurt--but she certainly caused hurt.
I've experienced this myself, and it does take time to work through your hurt and anger, and even the guilt that they inevitably cause us to feel. But we do need to focus on our own wellbeing, and that of our children and family. It will take time to decide how to move forward and what boundaries to set. And it's ok if it takes time. Compartmentalising it is kind a of essential at this stage. Enjoying life with family is far more important.
The grandmother is missing out on her grandchild and this special stage with her daughter. She is living the consequences of her choices everyday. I hope that, with time, her pride will subside, and the feeling of missing out will bring her back into the fold.
I think it's ok, and perfectly appropriate to set up boundaries when you become an adult and have your own family. But I think it's also very important to be able to forgive. Forgiving helps us to let go of that nagging feeling that often eats at us. And it's a really good precedent to set and example to live out for our children.
There's a harsh lesson in life that goes - "sometimes family are NOT the best people to have in your life".
She may be your mum but she's also unstable and probably a narcissist.
Your child ( or future children ) won't thank you for encouraging her presence in your lives.
As far as I can see - you've done all you can when it comes to your mum.
She however hasn't lived up to her responsibilities at this special time.
Time to keep your distance.