So you know how we had our two kids, and you know how great they are, and you know how we swore that we wouldn’t have any more? Yeah, about that. I’ve changed my mind. Wanna make another baby?
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately (translation: watching babies take baths on YouTube) and I really want another baby. My uterus has officially put out the welcome mat.
I’m fully aware I was the most vocal when it came to saying we weren’t going to have any more children. I know I said things like “over my dead body’’ and ‘’this womb is out of business.” For 5 years I’ve been saying that. I think I was even saying while I was still pregnant with our last child. “Never again!”
I also know that I’m big enough to admit when I might have been wrong. All good reasoning and logic say that we probably shouldn’t want another baby, yet here I am wanting one all the same.
I want to bring a little bundle of love home from the hospital and welcome it into our lives. I want the tiny fingernails and the curly toes. I want the warm smell of the top of the head.
I want the cute yawns, and the even cuter sneezes. I also want the sleepless nights. The unrelenting workload. The difficult juggling act. The screaming and crying (both mine and the baby’s.) I want the good and the bad. I want it all. I want a baby.
When our two boys came along we were so young (and so stupid). I didn’t enjoy a single second of it. I was filled with panic and confusion, and an overwhelming sense of failure.
Never once did I feel like I was doing a good job raising our boys. I lurched from one disaster to the next, never taking a moment to stop and actually enjoy them.
You’re right when you say that I can’t live my life trying to make up for regrets of the past, especially when it comes to our kids. I agree. (If I did that I would still be back in high school trying to make up for making my best friend dump my first boyfriend for me.) But this doesn’t feel like chasing down old stuff-ups and rectifying them. It feels like being given a chance to learn from the past.
I know you say that you’re done. I get and respect that. Up until recently I was right there with you. Done with the nappies and the middle of the night feeds and the fog you seem to live in when there’s a newborn in the house. I was done with all of that too. But all of a sudden, all of that is exactly what I want.