By JO ABI
I’m living a blessed life.
I have a wonderful marriage, a beautiful family, we’re gainfully employed doing jobs we enjoy, I live exactly where I want to live, I have amazing friends, my weight is stable, my toenails are painted…
Everything’s just a little too good.
I’ve been holding off on buying myself a new pair of work out shoes and was just offered a free pair. In my last pay I was paid more than I was expecting. My electricity bill was $300 less than I’d estimated.
And when life’s this good do you know what I start to think?
SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I feel this overwhelming sense of impending doom. I just KNOW something terrible is going to happen because life can’t be this amazing… can it? Maybe it’s just my turn to have things go exactly as I’d like them to go after quite a few years of sadness and struggle.
Is this how life works; a series of checks and balances so you can never just go with the flow? We’re constantly being jolted and rattled.
My certainty that my life is a little too good at times is a constant source of frustration to my husband, who is positive to the point of delusion. He and I are total opposites when it comes to things like this.
“But you made this life for yourself,” he says constantly and with much frustration. “I watched you create this life. Why do you always think something bad is going to happen? If you think like that you’re going to make something bad happen!”
I’m going to make something bad happen.
Is it my fault we went bankrupt? Because when business was booming I just couldn’t quite grasp the idea that we were well-off, that this was my life. I remember thinking at the time that I could enjoy it more if I was contributing to our financial position. At the time I was having babies and trying to make my days interesting. It was all just too good to be true.
Now we’re back on track and I’m contributing. Won’t I ever be bloody happy?
Only Eckhart Tolle can help me now. I first read him years ago and I remember looking forward to the time I could enjoy the ‘Power of Now’ but sort of putting it away for later, knowing that I had no ability to stop and smell the roses. I was always glancing over my shoulder or trying not to trip over while I was moving forward.
Maybe something bad will happen, but it won’t be as bad as I imagine it will be. Honestly, my day can be ruined by the tiniest thing.
If someone looks at me strangely, if I accidentally squash a snail walking to my car after the rain, if I snap at one of my kids or let them have two biscuits instead of one.
Perhaps my state of mind has more to do with the illusion that women can have it all when deep down we know we really can’t. Something’s gotta give and I’m just wondering what that something is going to be. Perfectly normal.
For the moment I plan to go about my day, enjoy my new shoes, hide chocolate from myself and be as happy as can be but I’ll do it in a state of preparedness that if something does go wrong, if there’s a misstep or two I can bounce back because I have many times before.
It’s not the challenge itself but how you handle it. Oprah (I miss her) used to always say, “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
Do tickle fights with my kids count as celebrating? I sure hope so. Because after the tickle fight and after they’re all tucked into bed, that’s when my angst is at its worst.
Jo has worked in TV and radio sporadically between the arrival of each of her three amazingly gorgeous children. She has written a book called How to Date a Dad and plans to finish one of the many other books she’s started once her children get sick of playing Minecraft on her laptop. You can follow Jo on Twitter @JoAbi.
Does you feel unsettled when you life is going a little too well?