“What is the matter with Mary Jane?”

WARNING: This post may be triggering for some people.

Eating Disorders don’t take all the good stuff from your life immediately but, left untreated they will take it all eventually, and thoroughly.

At the moment over one million Australians suffer from Eating Disorders, some of them as young as eight. It’s completely tragic that there is still so much misunderstanding around them. That they are still trivialised, still seen as lifestyle choices, as “something you could snap out of if you really tried” and not just by the general public, but by people who suffer.

I can say that because I was one of those people. From the age of 16-28 I was either anorexic, bulimic or a compulsive over-exerciser. It was a horrible trap to be in, not just because I was in a serious mental illness with no help, but because I thought I was responsible for doing it. I believed that if I really wanted to/was good enough/ tried hard enough/ had enough discipline I should be able to just stop it. The shame of failing again and again and again as this seemingly simple task was almost as crippling as the pain of the disorder itself.

Back then there was very little awareness of these conditions being recognised as illnesses. So it was a common belief to think that eating disorders or any addictive behaviour was self inflicted- and I’d punish myself accordingly for this “self-indulgent weakness”. I was riddled with guilt and shame at my inability to “get well” and this stopped me reaching out for help. Eventually though, I was brought to my knees and, after 12 years, I picked up the phone and sought the professional guidance I needed, and began the slow process of getting well.

It wasn’t very long into my recovery that it started to become very clear that this was something I was never in control of. I began to see very clearly I had a serious psychological condition; that I wasn’t not eating for the sake of it or “doing it for attention”. From that moment I felt utterly compelled to shout this from every rooftop in the city because I knew there were so many people who were needlessly suffering like me. I wanted to tell the world that if they had a problem that they didn’t have to stay silent, frozen by the voice that said they were weak and should be able to fix this by themselves. That they need to reach out and ask for expert advice and counselling they needed and deserved, that there was hope, the help was there.

So I decided I wanted to write a play about it, which sounds like such a piss weak idea but I was an actor and it seemed like the only thing I could do. Luckily I said this to the amazingly talented Wendy Harmer who immediately said “I will write it with you”. So together we put the landscape of my mind on a stage so people could hear the voices of hate, judgement, punishment, fear and deprivation and see very clearly this wasn’t something I was choosing. Wendy did most of the heavy lifting but together we produced something that said very clearly these conditions aren’t something you “do”, you aren’t “guilty” if you are ill and you have a right to ask for help. Also, because it’s true, it is also a very powerful cautionary tale.

The play shows very clearly how my tiny mad idea that losing weight was going fix my problems soon escalated into a full scale mental illness over which I had no control.

We aimed the play at young people, the people who are most vulnerable and tried to make it funny to take out some of it’s sting. It was a pretty gruelling piece though, especially the Bulimia piece which Wendy wrote as a Cooking Show Segment which turns very, very ugly called “Bingeing With Sancia”. No-one was going to walk away without seeing how truly horrific punishment these rituals were. When I used to perform it I could always hear audience members saying “Oh my god this needs to stop – it can’t really be like this”.

We were very lucky that Sydney Theatre Company read it and immediately said yes to putting it on. Personally for me it was extraordinary success because by opening night I was completely clear that shame wasn’t something I was willing to feel. People don’t apologise for having Cancer or Diabetes, I wasn’t going to bow my head anymore because of having a mental illness. But the most thrilling part of the experience by far was what people took away about understanding the condition. We definitely achieved our goal of showing other people who were suffering that these were illnesses, not lifestyle choices and that they didn’t have to be ashamed. That was the most exciting part of the whole experience. Communicating to people who stood silently in the shadows, like me, that they didn’t have to be there anymore.

We were also overwhelmed by people telling us that they hadn’t understood what having a mental illness was really like before the show, that they really didn’t believe that people really weren’t “doing it”, and it helped them find compassion. So it was a brilliant experience and the show enjoyed a number of successful seasons after that. We reached a lot of people who, and it felt great to give a very taboo subject a voice. It was also exciting to hear from people to say it helped them explain it to their family and friends. Big ticks all round. Eventually though the show became too painful for me to perform (ironically I got sick again- can you believe it…) so I stopped and actually changed professions- time to move on.

However you can’t really move on from these things. You can’t get to the other side of this experience and not look back and see that there are so many people that are still on this horrible island. Especially when so many young people suffer and the incidence of eating disorders in our culture is at an all time high. To be honest, I know a part of me can’t believe they are still happening. I know when I first did this play I was convinced that these illnesses would dissipate as our generation grew up and created a world for the next one with a different definition of female power. Especially after people such as Mia Freedman stood up and yelled about the dangerous influence of under weight models, dieting and thin porn articles and features in magazines. I thought this would herald a new era, because for a lot of us the images we saw were the root of all the evil so by getting rid of them it would go away.

So, the play, to be honest it still seems like a flimsy answer when parents/sufferers ask for my help, but the words Wendy and I wrote are still the best words I have to make a difference. Theatre is an incredible portal into the mind/state of someone else’s being and can promote actual understanding far better than any hopeful words I might use in the moment. We wrote this play very specifically as a cautionary tale – it shows clearly how powerless I was with my obsession with my body/food whilst ignoring the real pain that was going on in my heart and mind and the price that comes with that.

So that is why we feel compelled to put it on again. Myself and these two brave, compassionate women in Melbourne, producer Samantha Butterworth and actor Gabrielle Savrone, want a new generation of people, young people especially who need help, to know they have a right to ask for help, and know they are not alone. We are also committed to helping people who don’t understand mental illness to leave the play with a little more compassion towards people who suffer. Things change in a culture when we have understanding and empathy, and the play can help create that.

Early intervention is the best prevention around mental illness. We hope that if someone who is suffering even a little bit who is young will see they aren’t weak because they “can’t just stop it” and that they have the right to ask for proper help and to not be ashamed- no one apologises for Asthma do they?

We are incredibly committed to helping eradicate the shame through showing the truth of these conditions, and maybe even help diminish the overwhelming statistics that exist around this illness. But most of all we want this play to remind people to remember what their lives are really about – being true to themselves, body mind and spirit and that they aren’t here to look perfect, thin or any specific size but to be themselves.

The play is on at The Owl and the Pussycat in Richmond. Tickets can be purchased here-www.owlandcat.com.au

If you would like to contribute towards helping put the play on we have a crowd-funding site where we are raising money.

And if you know even from reading this that you might need help- please, please speak to your GP and get professional help or look for information from places like www.eatingdisorders.org.au/, www.headspace.org.au, thebutterflyfoundation.org.au,  www.beyondblue.org.au and also at the twelve step programs www.oa.org.au and www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/face-face-person-meetings

Please don’t hesitate – don’t do what I do and wait till you have lost all the things that give your life meaning.

“What is the matter with Mary Jane?” The play, written by Wendy Harmer with Sancia Robinson is on in August and we aim to tour nationally in 2015- targeting schools, produced by MJ Productions.