What good listeners do (that the rest of us don't).

By Karen Burge.

Have you ever opened up about a personal issue only to find your friend steam-rolls the conversation and makes it all about them? Or perhaps they don’t respond how you’d expect and you wonder if they were paying attention at all.

Good listening is a challenge many of us underestimate. If someone is experiencing a mental health issue or the topic of discussion is complex, then it becomes all the more important to be fully present and engaged.

ReachOut Australia CEO Jono Nicholas says listening well lets others know you value them, and that sense of connectedness can improve your wellbeing too.

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It also has the potential to improve and deepen relationships in everyday situations or when someone is truly in need.

So, if it’s good for them and it’s good for you, how do we improve? Here are ten things good listeners do that the rest of us don’t:

1. Allocate talk time.

Give them time and limit distractions, says Black Dog Institute Director of Psychological Services, Associate Professor Vijaya Manicavasagar.

If you can’t give them 100 per cent, then ‘be open and honest’ and say, “I really want to hear what you have to say but I’m a bit busy. Can we do this after work when I can give you my full attention?”

If someone launches into a personal problem while you are working to a deadline, then you aren't likely to be very attentive and that won't be much help to the other person anyway.

2. Let them speak.

Good listeners go where the story goes.

"Let the person share a story and enecourage that story to flow," says Nicholas. "Let them finish what they are saying - don't interrupt... They have chosen to talk to you about their issue and they trust you to treat them with respect."

3. Be inquisitive.

We often listen well when we are engaged and interested in the topic being shared, Nicholas observes. Try thinking: "This person is an amazing story waiting to be told rather than a person I have to share my amazing story with," he suggests.

4. Don't judge.

A person will usually open up to you and share a vulnerable experience because they trust you, and they trust you won't use that information to cause them harm, Nicholas says.

Encourage them to share without bringing it back to you and your own opinions, says Nicholas. "Work through whatever it is that they are dealing with and try to suggest options rather than passing judgement."

5. Ask good questions.

Ask open-ended questions that let the person speak freely. Try saying, "tell me about how that worked for you" rather than "was it good?"

If your question is a conversation starter, think about what message you are putting out as you ask it. "A quick 'hi, how are you?' as you stroll by is a social nicety versus stopping, making eye contact and saying, 'hi, I haven’t seen you for a couple of days, what you've been up to?'

"One greeting is going to encourage conversation and the other is going to shut it down," explains Nicholas. "People will naturally pick up on whether you are genuinely interested or not."

6. Empathise.

Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, Manicavasagar suggests. Imagining what a situation might be like for someone allows you to be more empathic and responsive to what they are saying.

"You might end up problem solving as well because when a person is stressed they may not be thinking straight in terms of what the options are."

7. Reflect.

Reflect back and check whether your interpretation is correct, she adds. "Not only will the other person feel like you are paying attention but it also helps you consolidate what they've said."

Cementing your understanding will also help you put together good open questions to help that person feel understood and valued.

8. Allow someone to disagree.

It's okay to tell someone what you think but don't be offended - or show someone that you feel offended - if they happen to disagree, Nicholas explains.

9. Use body language.

Face them, look interested and make eye contact (without staring them into discomfort). Give a nod and throw in some verbal cues so they know you are paying attention.

Also, take their lead. Some talks are good face-to-face whereas others might be a little too confronting. You might find it best to switch gears by suggesting a walk or hopping out of a beige boardroom and into a bustling cafe.

10. Pull out of a conversation politely.

Be honest when a conversation is emotionally taxing or uncomfortable.

People can disclose things that might be unpleasant to hear or might push the boundaries of the relationship, Manicavasagar explains. "Polite honesty is the best way to handle that."

For example, you could say, "I'm sorry you are going through this but it hits a little close to home and I'm finding it a bit difficult to hear."

"They won't feel as though you are dismissing them – it helps them understand where you are coming from."

You might want to add that you are happy to chat about another topic, Nicholas says, to help the conversation and relationship move past any awkwardness.

You could say, "I'm finding this conversation a little tough to deal with right now but I'm happy to talk about something else," Nicholas advises.

If you'd like to listen but worry the conversation will open a flood gate you can't handle, a five or ten minute walk is one way to maintain control.

If you or someone you know needs support, please call Lifeline: 13 11 14.

st originally appeared on the ABC and was republished here with full permission. 

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