"20 things I have learnt since becoming a mum."

She thought she knew better.

Almost six years ago I welcomed my first daughter into the world, followed by her little sister some 21-months later.

Before they arrived I had been the diligent mum-to-be. My pile of pregnancy, birth and beyond books were huge. My internet research meant that I was definitely the teacher’s pet at ante-natal classes.

I was pretty confident that I had prepared myself to be a mum, and that there would be limited surprises for me. I was ready. Well-read, full of energy and rich in life experience.

Oh how quickly I found out that some things can only be learned by doing.

Compared to parents of teenagers, I am aware that I know nothing yet, but here are just some of the many things that I have learnt as the mum of two young girls.

1. Tiredness is all relative.

What I thought was extreme tiredness before I had kids now only rates as a three on the parental tiredness scale.

2. There is no such thing as volume control.

There is neither a volume control nor an off-switch on these small people. Early morning, late night, midnight. It does not matter. They are loud and they are active.

3.You will become your mum.

The things that I thought ridiculous when my mum said them, are now coming out of my mouth. With meaning. And often.

4. Being “hangry” is totally a real thing.

Small children must be fed within 30 minutes of waking to avoid extreme “hanger” being displayed. This can also be applied to snack times and other meal times. Never leave home without some food in your handbag.

5. Puddles are truly fascinating.

Every puddle and every mud patch is there to be explored. Or walked through. Or put into ones mouth. Or to splash the parent who is ready for work.

6. Beware of the word "No".

The word “No” can provoke a reaction equivalent to a large scale volcanic eruption.

7. iPhone and iPad screens smash when dropped.

Protective cases are obviously not made for the extreme strength of a 3-year-old girl.

8. Repeat is the norm.

There is equal enjoyment to be had in watching a TV show or movie for the first time and for the hundredth time. There is no such thing as too many times.

9. Investing in nice furniture is pointless.

A  cream coloured sofa is a truly ridiculous idea and can never be clean, no matter how often it is shampooed. An “only eating at the table” policy is also ridiculous.

10. The power of the swing.

Swings are great. Everyone loves them. Until it is time to get off.

11. Nothing is sacred.

Everything you say and do, can and will be repeated later, at the most inappropriate times. And don’t be fooled. Those little ears hear every single thing.

12. It's boring until their sibling has it.

Whatever toy their sibling is playing with ALWAYS becomes the most desirable plaything ever. Nothing else will do, until aforementioned sibling picks up something else...

13. Important things play on children’s minds in the middle of the night.

This includes but is not limited to hairstyles for the following morning and the storyline from Dora the Explorer. It is critical that they communicate these thoughts to their parents to enable them to relax enough to get straight back to sleep.

14. You can never have enough baby wipes.

Faces, hands, spills, half eaten ice creams, little bottoms- you name it, there is a use for a baby wipe.

15. Noisy and messy is the sweet spot.

The best things in life are noisy. Or messy. Preferably both.

16. Childless adult friends love to give the most irritating gifts.

Finger paints, musical instruments, play doh, intricate craft sets. Thank you very much.

17. There are more viruses to be caught than you could ever imagine.

They all strike in the small hours of the morning when everything seems so much worse.

18.Your kids will show you up.

Never boast about your child’s great behaviour or ability to do something, as you can guarantee they will do the absolute opposite just to make you look like a liar.

20. Two words. Band Aids.

Band Aids fix absolutely everything. Milk this as much as you possibly can.

20. Today’s big issues are tomorrow’s memories.

Everything is just a phase and we move through these stages and the years far too quickly.

As we move through the next phase of the school years I am sure there will be a hundred more things that I will learn. And then I shudder to think about the teenage girl years beyond that...

What do you think about this list? What have you learnt from being a mother? 

Like this? Try these:

“A letter to the stranger who mummy-shamed me.”

“This is the one and only way to get your baby to sleep.”