By ROSIE WATERLAND
Attention anyone reading this who has a vagina: You’re doing it wrong.
Have you been sucked in by doctors and their crazy lies about the vagina being a ‘self-cleaning’ organ? Shame on you! Don’t you know that lady-parts are icky and smell gross and nobody will ever want to have sex with with you unless you buy all the necessary products? Now get a to a supermarket quick smart and stock up on some of these lady-sentials:
Can’t stand the natural smell of your vagina? Good – there’s plenty of products for that. Why smell ‘icky’ and ‘fishy’ when you can smell ‘fresh’ and like ‘tropical rain’? Sarah Silverman tried to discourage the vag-deoderant movement with this Public Service Announcement:
But obviously she hasn’t seen all the commercials that explain if your special place doesn’t smell like delicate water that’s dripped off a rose petal into a lily pad, you’re doing it wrong.
2. Crotch Sweat Liners
How you dare to sweat when you’re working out? I don’t care what MM’s fitness blogger Nat said in her recent post here, sweating is clearly not natural and we are so lucky that companies make products to stop it from happening.
Baby Wipes ‘Fresh’ and ‘Sexy’ Wipes
Have you been having sex without first running to the bathroom to wipe yourself with a moist, garden-scented, KFC-style towelette? You’re doing it wrong. Forget contraception – wiping down with an adult baby-wipe is the only thing you should be thinking about in the moments before getting lucky.