lifestyle

"Your vagina is gross. Now buy our product and give us lots of money."

vagina
WRONG. Your vagina is all wrong. You need to buy many, many products.

 

By ROSIE WATERLAND

You may remember a post I wrote a couple of months back detailing the various products you simply MUST be using if you have a vagina. It was called “Got a vagina? You’re doing it wrong.

It basically outlined the must-have products for vagina owners (because everyone knows that vajayjays be gross and need a LOT of fixing), from Crotch Sweat Liners to Vagina Bleach.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Rosie! Please! There wasn’t enough crap on that list to keep me going! Tell me more about how I’m not looking after my lady-parts properly and what crazy products I should be spending my money on!”

I’m here to help, you guys.

Did I think I would write not one, but two articles about crazy vagina products in my life? No. No, I didn’t. But I’m a serious journalist and when the world decides it needs more products to improve women’s lady-gardens, it’s my job to document it.

So, without further ado, here is Part 2 of Got a Vagina? You’re doing it wrong. (Or, “advertisers have realised they can make heaps of money by convincing women their vaginas are gross.”)

1. Vagina Dye

If you are walking around with a vulva that isn’t a colour named Ginger, Marilyn, Bettie or Audrey, you are doing it wrong.

My New Pink Button “is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.” Because HOW DARE YOUR VAGINA NOT BE A YOUTHFUL COLOUR.

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So, who needs vagina dye? A lot of people apparently. The line is sold out:

my-pink-button-1

I’m not exactly sure how it works, but this picture indicates that you apply the dye to your box not unlike you would apply shadow to your eyes:

my-pink-button-2

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So, is your vagina human colour? That is wrong.

Head to mynewpinkbutton.com ASAP to get on the waiting-list for taint paint.

And if you don’t enjoy the product, at least you can enjoy taking the piss in the product review section:

My New Pink Button commentLegend.

2. The V-Steam

Please tell me you go to weekly vagina-steaming sessions? You DON’T? Eww. Anyone who doesn’t spend 45 minutes a week sitting naked on a chair having herb-infused steam waft into their twat is obviously doing it wrong.

Based on the ancient Korean practice called chai-yok, The V-Steam is basically like a steam facial for your vag. (Because who doesn’t want to put a pot of boiling water within inches of their special place?)

The chair looks like this:

v-steam

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If you’re really curious to know more, this Youtube video is quite informative:

3. Baby Body Powder

Lady baby powderApparently, if you put baby powder in a grown-up package and call it “Sporty Fresh” or “Cotton Breeze”, it becomes ‘lady powder’.

Seriously. This is just baby powder for grown-up vajayjays. To “keep you dry where you need it most, especially on hot days.” Now change that soiled nappy and get powdering.

Have you seen any other weird other vagina products online?

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