By NATALIA HAWK
I have a theory that all the animals in the world secretly had a meeting and agreed to directly target me.
I don’t know what it is that makes everything from cockatiels to alpacas dislike me – but I’ve been attacked far too many times for me to think there isn’t some kind of conspiracy plot happening.
My most recent (and probably most traumatic) experience was when I was babysitting on a Sunday afternoon. I took the kids to the park and, as I walked innocently to the flying fox, a bird fell OUT OF A TREE AND ONTO MY HEAD.
I shit you not. A bird – literally one of the only animals that would never fall out of a tree because they have wings and therefore can FLY out of them – decided to let go of its branch and drop onto the ground. Just as I happened to be walking past.
Coincidence? I think not.
You’ll all be happy to know that the bird seemed to regain all sense of its wings directly after hitting me and, after flapping its wings in my face for a moment, merrily flew off.
As for me, I have been scarred for life and can no longer walk under trees.
This often makes walking anywhere extremely difficult. There are a lot of trees in the world. A lot.
And then I found this animal attack video and started feeling a lot less sorry for myself. Seriously, you need to watch. It starts with ominous-looking llamas and goes rapidly downhill from there. Who wants to get chased by a bison? Who wants to get stared down by horses or pecked by a one-eye emu? Terri-freaking-fying.
Although I do like the guy who freaks out when a penguin hops towards him.
Click to watch: