The cold snap is coming. Here's a (very serious) guide on how to keep warm.

Before we delve into this treasure trove of hot tips, I just want to clarify that it’s so effing cold in Melbs I can’t even feel my toes right now.

Despite the fact I’m wearing exorbitantly priced boots which the lady from Wittner swore would keep me warm. Despite the fact I’m wearing two pairs of socks. Despite the fact I’ve wrapped a huge-ass scarf around my legs like I’m a pathetic gonna-be-voted-off-in-the-first-episode contestant on Survivor.

It’s too cold. And no, I don’t care if you’re a descendant of an Eskimo and are accustomed to sub zero temperatures, it’s still cold. I’d appreciate it if you’d validate my feelings, thanks.

While I’m sure you’re relishing the opportunity to hear about my chilly phalanges, here are the formerly promised helpful tips to defrosting during this cold snap.

1. Burn baby burn.

See all that stuff your shitty ex left around the apartment? Looks like the perfect time to start a huge ass bonfire.

2. Anything goes at the servo.

I’m sorry, but any friend who tells you it’s not okay to wear ugg boots and a dressing gown outside the house is not a friend at all. WEAR THAT FLUFFY MAROON DUST COLLECTOR WITH PRIDE, MY FRIEND. I beseech every single one of you to put on a pair of ugly, decrepit slippers right now and go get yourself a hot meat pie from the servo.

…Have I made it obvious I did not go to private school yet?

3. HAHA! That’s not a boyfriend or a husband – that’s a pillow.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS EVOLVING!

Until you are advised otherwise, your loved one may be used as a foot rest/ottoman/spooning pillow. For added warmth, one of Mamamia’s writers recommends “pushing your cold feet into his calves. Works like a charm”.

Related tip for mums: That’s not your kid – that’s a hot lil’ water bottle. Cuddle your new water bottle appropriately.

4. Salads can legit GTFO.

You hereby have permission to eat anything warm and of the pasta persuasion until your soul has been insulated with carbs and calorific love.

5. Imitate a sushi roll.

Step 1: Have your aforementioned human foot rest/ottoman/spooning pillow wrap you in a warm, cosy blanket.
Step 2: Get them to put on your favourite Netflix series.
Step 3: Watch every single episode until you believe you are also in a women’s prison with striking undertones of commentary on racial and socioeconomic disadvantage.

6. Get into a feisty social media war over a feminist issue.

Find any forum on breastfeeding/any other slightly contentious issue.

Get really involved in the comments section. Research minimally. Employ abusive language regularly.

Keep pointlessly debating until you’re sweaty and typing with a level of speed and ferocity that cannot be detected by the human eye. Argue at length with a man called Geoffrey who doesn’t have any profile pictures.

Wipe sweat from deeply furrowed brow every time an anti-vaxxer contributes to discussion.

Retreat to bed when your fingers are cramping and you can’t remember what daylight looks like. Repeat tomorrow.

What are your tips to staying warm this cold snap?

For more for Michelle Andrews, you can follow her on Facebook here.

Liked these hacks? Those Two Girls have plenty more for you to use around the house (whether your toes are frozen or otherwise).