lifestyle

The 11 stages of going for a run. 
From excuses to the post-run high.

1. The excuses  



You have to go for a run. You know you have to. You haven’t been running in… well, you can’t actually even remember the last time you exercised, so that’s not ideal. And your runners are sitting RIGHT THERE, ready to go, and you promised yourself you would get fit and run that marathon in 2014…

Oh but wait. You can’t go. You have to do that thing that’s way more important than running could ever be. Yeah. That thing.

2. The guilt 



Okay… there’s no “thing”. At least, nothing that would actually be productive and involve anything but painting your toenails in front of the TV while eating your way through two bags of microwave popcorn. And now you feel awful. And your runners are staring at you. Even your cat is judging you. And you can’t remember the last time you exercised so… FINE, you’ll go running.

3. The start of the run

You’re outside! You’re wearing your running gear! Your feet are moving down the street! You are listening to your most motivational song on your iPod and running so FAST! How amazing can you possibly be?! Why don’t you do this every day? Why don’t you start getting up at 6am every day to run every morning? Imagine how fit and awake you’ll be for the day ahead of you! Why don’t you train for a marathon? Now THAT’S a good idea.

4. The comedown



Okay… you’re getting puffed now. Even though you’re only a few hundred metres away from your house – your pulse is rising. You can’t remember being this unfit. Surely you’re just having a bad running day. Today is an unfit day. Must’ve been the Thai food you had for dinner last night. You’re pretty sure someone once told you that Thai is bad for fitness. You must run more often, on fitter non-Thai-food days.

 



5. The real comedown


Screw running. Who the hell are those people who run for pleasure? Who are those people who claim that they couldn’t possibly get through the day without a run? WHO INVENTED THIS DEVIL EXERCISE? Your heart is beating so hard that you think it’s about to abandon ship by bursting out through your ribcage. You are pretty sure that you can taste blood. There’s definitely some kind of metallic taste in your mouth. Is that normal? That can’t be normal. Time for a break.

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6. The break 



Oh, sweet, glorious water. You really underestimate how excellent water is, but you will never take it for granted again. You savour your water as you lean against a wall and reevaluate running and how much it truly sucks. You check your iPod to see how long you’ve been running for.

…

Four minutes. That can’t be right. Must be broken – it’s been at least 30.

7. Getting back into it 



Okay, you’ve rested for five minutes and your heart has resumed a vaguely normal pace. Time to keep running. Wait, maybe you’ll just rest another couple of minutes and quickly check what’s happening on Facebook because you haven’t read anything in at least six minutes. Yeah. That’s better.



8. The self-motivation 

Okay, you’re running again. And if you keep running instead of going straight home, you don’t have to go for another run for at LEAST two days. And if you can keep running, you can eat that microwave popcorn with no guilt whatsoever. And if you keep running, you’ll become so fit and amazing. Look, you can feel your thighs become more toned already…. okay wait, no, they are just generally burning because you can’t even remember the last time you exercised. Yep.

9. The bribery



If you run today, and three times a week, every week, for the next five weeks… you can buy yourself that iPad you’ve wanted forever. YES YOU CAN. And maybe also that Gorman top you really want but can’t quite justify. And it would be rude not to get the matching wedges.

10. The majestic end



Oh, look, you’re near your house and you remembered that thing you had to do so you may as well just go back there now rather than, like, running another block or doing something similarly crazy.

11. The post-run high

It’s OVER!!! 

You went running! YOU WENT RUNNING! What are you, some kind of fitness champion? Geez, these post-exercise endorphins are good. You must run more often. Three times a week, definitely. Starting… next week.



Any stages to add?

00:00 / ???