health

Ladies, drop everything and start hating these 6 body parts.

Reasons why your body is hideous. A comprehensive list.

Almost every day, we seem to encounter a new article explaining exactly what is wrong with women’s bodies.

Yesterday alone we stumbled across two stories about knee and neck wrinkles. Which should obviously trump the pay gap on our gender’s list of things to conquer.

But, gosh, after you’ve read a few of those articles it’s hard to keep track of exactly what it is that you’re supposed to hate about yourself.

So, we figured we’d just make a list. A list of things that you need to worry about your body, so that you can keep track of all of the things that you should be putting your energy into and divide your time accordingly.

So, starting with our latest wrinkle-related discoveries, let’s get started. Whip out a pen and paper, and write this shit down.

1.  Kninkles

Yeah, you should hide those knees.

Just put wrinkle cream on your face? You’re doing it wrong.

The place that you should be applying those potion is on your knees. You wrinkly, ageing, knees.

What’s that? Your knees are supposed to be wrinkly? They’re a joint, just like the elbow, and the skin on top needs to pull tight when the joint is bent, resulting in a natural wrinkling when it is not?

Sounds like something that someone with Kninkles would say.

2. The Techneck

Yet another problem with our bodies that we were so kindly alerted to by the journalists at The Daily Mail is The Techneck.

The Techneck is basically the wrinkly neck that is acquired by women who spend too much time looking down at phone and laptop screens, and not enough time holding their head in such a way that absolutely no skin creases in a way that might cause long term aesthetic damage.

Those youthful Amish are onto something.

3. The Thigh Gap

Your body is inadequate because when you stand with your feet together, bend forward and take a photo of your legs (which we all do each morning at 07:09, naturally) your thighs do not touch.

Some women – like model and generally renowned intelligent and beautiful person Robyn Lawley – have come out and said that the idea of the thigh gap is stupid.

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Those women are quitters. If your thighs touch, you are a broken person. Fix yourself.

You could also watch this satirical video. But, don’t get any ideas.

4. The Box Gap

A Box Gap is where there is a distinct gap from one’s – ahem – ‘box’ all the way down to one’s knees.

Think that sounds the same as The Thigh Gap? How embarrassing for you. You mustn’t have either.

(The obvious difference is that The Box Gap is a complete box-to-ankle gap, whereas The Thigh Gap is not. This does, of course, mean that those with Box Gaps are guaranteed Thigh Gaps. So, yeah. You know what to do.)

5. The Bikini Bridge

Stop what you’re doing right now, put on a bikini bottom and lie flat on your back. Yes, that includes those of you reading this on public transport/in an important client meeting/at the school gate. This is a matter of life and death.

Do your hipbones suspend the front of the bikini bottom so that no contact occurs between your upper vulva/lower gut and the fabric?

Good. You are a good woman.

Does your bikini bottom snag on a bit of upper vulva/lower gut, or do your thigh bones not protrude at all?

Bad. You are a bad woman.

6. The Thut

What does one look for in a Thut? If you need to ask that question, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

Because we pity your ignorance, here is an informative excerpt from a British Press Award winning article from The Daily Mail:

The ‘thut’ as it was coined by NYmag.com, is when the muscles on the back of a woman’s legs are undeveloped – leading their butt and thigh to appear as a single piece of anatomy.

According to experts, the issue is caused by a lack of targeted muscle tone and does not reflect the physical anatomy for a flat derrière…

Valerie Samulski, the Pilates coordinator for YogaWorks in New York further emphasized the thut’s muscle tone quotient. ‘It just makes it look like your but has dropped down into your leg, you lose that lift – it looks like mush and in fact it is,’ she said.

Mush. Thut mush. Your LLM ain’t worth a thing if you’re dragging a big pile of Thut mush into the courtroom.

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Think there’s more to hate about yourself? We’re sure there is. But, don’t worry: WE WILL KEEP YOU UPDATED. We plan on updating this post with the new body hang-ups every self-respecting lady should harbour as they come to light.

Stay tuned.