Is Jess Berney the most loved Voice contestant ever?

Picture it. A lone, honey skinned, impossibly sexy matador stands desolate in the ring questioning all that he holds dear. He begins to passionately encourage himself to stay the course, to stay stead fast as he continues down his path of wooing the bull through emotional connection.

What? Don’t blame me, Ricky is the one who took us there within the first 30 seconds of tonight’s The Voice episode. His confidence shaken after Will took all the decent singers, Ricky was worried he had lost his touch. Then he caught his face in a reflective surface and was instantly reassured, that million dollar smile returning once more.

Fist up tonight is Carly from Sydney, Carly is Greek. She sings in Greek, she wears Greek inspired faux braces and shorts and even broke up with her boyfriend in, look you won’t quite believe this -IN GREECE! Carly sings and a chair turns, I forget who. I remember that Carly had some good teeth on her. Look if you actually want a legitimate re-cap, you are totally in the wrong place.

Truth be told I’m rushing as all the words previous to this have been a pre-cursor to me getting to write about “Stage Mum Kerri” in all her gloriousness.

Quite frankly I can’t believe she didn’t throw down with her tortured son Brandon to be the one who actually auditioned. S.M.K runs children’s parties, and from the age of two, Brandon has been forced to dress up as a child clown and attend other kids’ parities he wasn’t invited to and be a clown… A very sad clown, a clown who would return home after the parties to his secret fly collection that he was systematically pulling the wings off in a bid to to ease his pain.

Kerri goes to hug Brandon before he goes out on stage to complete the greatest day of “her life”. Brandon attempts to avoid his mother’s touch, but Kerri gets him in a head lock and I’m pretty sure whispers, “If you don’t get through you will be on bath duty for a month, my hair won’t wash itself”. Kerri then turns to the camera and says, “I am so proud of you, Brandon”.

Brandon goes out on stage and sings well, I’m transfixed on Kerri’s reaction. Her daughter was there also. We’ll call her “Not Brandon”. Brandon is getting dangerously close to the end of his song, no one has turned yet. Kerri is peaking by this stage, hurling abuse at pretty much everyone. Then finally, Kylie’s chair turns and Brandon has been saved from his oppressor! We cross back to Kerri and oh my lord she is in full flight. “Not Brandon” tries to say something about being proud of her brother and Kerri is having none of it. “SHOOSH for a minute, this is my time” or words to that effect.

Taila (pronounced Taylor, as in that is how you should spell it) appears and she is our token country artist – this much is clear. Taylor (I refuse to write it the other way) is doin’ it for her Dad. She is the sweetest thing, I like everything about her. Kylie doesn’t though – there was an incident. Taylor sang in a lovely fashion, and Team Joel scored the red head. When Kylie went in for a congratulatory embrace Taylor remarked on how tiny she was and oh GOD Taylor you must NEVER point out to K how small she is. EVER. Minogue sent out a message that only gay men can hear and I wouldn’t be surprised if Taylor wakes up tomorrow with a severed flamingo head in her bed.

19-year-old Jacob Lee is up next, he explodes out of the blocks strong y’all. He is belting “Battle Scars” by Guy Sebastian and Will pounds the button 3 seconds in and then… Oh no… What the hell Jacob? Stop it! STOP THE RAPPING Jacob. Will seems to be having button regret and all the other judges are all like SUCK IT i.am. I am still a fan, as long as Jacob promises to never do rap again, he’ll be okay. Boy can sing. Boy also has a severe case of zombie eye when he goes up for high notes, is it wrong that I found that slightly arousing?

Brother and sister duo Gabrielle and Ceilia who go by the stage name of Gabrielle and Ceilia burst onto the stage in a puff of Nimbin-infused smoke. They totally never do covers as they are legitimate artists so this hurts, you guys. They have team Ricky written all over them, so much earnestness in one place I wanted to hurt something fluffy. They sound so perfect together, Gabe has some impressive top notes and sure enough they end up in Father Ricky’s musical womb.

Next we meet Tom, a man who was rejected during last year’s blind auditions. Tom is back and he isn’t interested in being a two-time loser. I hope so too, there is a little too much intensity behind Tom’s eyes when he explains how he can’t fail again. Tom takes to the stage, no one turns.. He keeps singing… Still, no one. Will this be a self fulfilling prophecy?! Just as he finishes, Kylie turns and we all breathe a sigh of relief.

Tonight Kylie is a gigantic not tiny hero, she saved one man from himself and one man from Kerri.

All night we have been getting snippets of Jess from Adelaide who has recently come out and whose father is a minister. Sadly enough for The Voice producers, Jess’s family were totally accepting of her sexuality and there is no conflict there to be exploited, drawn out and ultimately healed through song. Jess gets out on stage and sings some real nice opera. She gets a quad turn and everyone wants her, team Ricky tells Jess she looks like Team Ricky. Do you think he means because they are both gay?! Probably! She chooses him and we end with an ecstatic matador, aggressively pelvic thrusting and his mojo firmly back in place.

I have been asked by David Campbell (Mornings on 9) to acknowledge the girl who opens the door for the contestants. It is a thankless job, just the right encouraging facial expression is required as she is the last thing the contestant see before their moment of truth. She will be hence forth referred to as Sympathetic Door Bitch, I look forward to bringing you her journey as well.

Here are a few of our favourite moments from The Voice:

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