Two years ago, we got a major surprise and boarded an emotional rollercoaster.
Not only was I pregnant again, less than a year after having Madison. We'd only known that for a week or so and were still getting used to the idea of having two under two.
No, that wasn't the biggest surprise we received before my daughter's first birthday.
When I saw my gynaecologist in early July to confirm the positive test, she knew that I was sketchy on dates, and after her exam she thought I might be further along than initially calculated. She decided I'd get an ultrasound the next day, so we could work with an accurate date. I was horribly sick and exhausted, and was thrilled to know that I might have less first trimester time left than I'd originally guessed
Adam was away for work. When I called him to let him know that I'd be having an ultrasound earlier than we thought, he offered to try and cut his trip short. But after we talked for a while, we decided that was silly. My friend was coming to watch Madison, and this was just the dating ultrasound. He was at a new job, and although it would be possible to reschedule his meetings and change his flight, I told him to stay.
Now, we'd gotten bad news at ultrasounds before. Before Madison, I had a missed miscarriage that was discovered via ultrasound late in the first trimester. I knew that bad news was a possibility. We hadn't shared the news with anyone yet and were waiting for the due date, so I didn't have anyone to accompany me and hold my hand in case things weren't ok. But again, we weren't worried. We figured it was a "whatever will be, will be" situation. We were actually pretty proud of our attitude. We had plans to talk that night.
The one friend I'd confided in was watching Madison. She was also a little concerned about me attending this appointment on my own, but I knew she'd be there, no matter what, when I got home.
Remember that too.
They brought out the other probe for the ultrasound. Not the belly one. I'd had that before, I knew what to expect, but there's still an intense feeling of vulnerability when you're that...exposed. It's tough to project confidence in that situation.
I was nervous, so I was chatting with the tech, an older woman, as she inserted the wand and got everything positioned. I was telling her how baby #2 was quite the surprise, of course a welcome surprise, and yes, it was a little strange being on my own, but my husband was so involved with my daughter, and we were really excited, and on and on and on.
She was pretty quiet, moving the probe as I blathered on. Finally, she looked at me and said "Are you ready for the news?"
My heart dropped. I said "there's no heartbeat, is there".
"Well ... tell me what you see".
"It looks like ... I... I don't know. That's a flicker, right?"