Gird your ovaries: The Bachelor is exactly like The Handmaid's Tale.

Gilead is here.

Firstly, there was the news that sperm count is massively down. Then Donald Trump goes and bans transgender individuals, (ahem…”gender traitors”) from serving in the United States military.

Thank God you can switch off at night, escape all this madness, and sit back and watch The Bachelor, RIGHT?

WRONG.

BECAUSE GILEAD IS NOW ON THE TV TOO. Because there are so many parallels with The Bachelor that I hadn’t’ noticed before. And now it is all I can see.

From the slut shaming to the language; let us compare notes:

Ways The Bachelor is exactly like The Handmaids Tale.

There are women trapped in a house in an effort to mate with one powerful man.

SHIT.

That’s a whole lot of red they’re all wearing.

In Handmaids, the captured women are dressed in red: symbolising their fertility, referencing the colour of a womb.

As for The Bachelor, there were MANY scarlet clad women stepping out of the limo on premiere night. Which is no surprise; the red dress effect is a phenomenon in which people wearing it are perceived to be more sexually appealing.

But not-so-fun fact: It was also used for Prisoners of war in WWII Canada as red shows up well against snow.

Matty J is The Commander.

He is there to find a woman that will bear him a baby. He is READY for a family, guys. And with yesterday’s news that Australian men’s sperm count has reached a new low, he’s running out of time.

Commander Matty gets to call the shots on dates.

Our Bachelor dictates the dates with no input from his women. Don’t be fooled by “meet me on a boat and eat this cheese platter”, it’s just a bee’s dick away from “meet in my office for a game of Scrabble”

If the women don't meet Commander Matty J's standards, they get sent to The Colonies.

No rose? Get out. Go back to the wasteland of your life where we all know it's hell for women on Tinder.

The women MUST be honoured to go on a date with Matty J.

In all of Bachie's five seasons, we have seen just ONE woman mock the compulsory date.

That woman was Kiera. She was typecast as "crazy" and ended up sent to the colonies of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here where she was put in a fucking pit and covered with snakes.

There are no phones or internet allowed in the house.

This is TRUE. Are the women allowed books or were they all burnt in a mass literary sacrifice? I have not ONCE seen a Bachelor contestant reading a book. Coincidence?

via GIPHY

Someone has definitely scrawled "Don't let the bastards get you down" on a wall in there.

The women in the house have their own quarters. The cameras aren't in there all the time.

Someone check the wardrobes...

The language has a convention that is particular to the setting.

Praise be =  I could really see myself falling in love with this guy

Blessed be the fruit = I'm just here to find love

Under his eye = Let's go to the secret garden

We should get these oranges = Who will get a rose tonight?

Did Offred order her napkins this month? = She's being such a bitch

Meet me in my office tonight = Let's go on a one on one date

They can only leave the house with permission

Permission from the producers. See below = The Eyes.

The show producers are The Eyes

They wear black. They swoop in at any opportune moment. They capture women and make them talk to the camera. They are everywhere. They hear everything. There is no escaping them.

So...does that make Osher the Nick?

He keeps largely to himself. He appears, does his job, then leaves. He knows where his bread is buttered; he is professional, keeps good relationships with all the Bachelors, as he is #undertheeye of Channel Ten.

But sometimes...I get the feeling that if he was driving the limo he would whisk some of these women away to safety if he could...

Proceed with caution on this one, guys. And don't be surprised if the winner has to change her name to 'Offmatty'.

Can you be a feminist and still deeply enjoy The Bachelor Mia Freedman, Monique Bowley and Jessie Stephens debate on Mamamia Out Loud, the weekly podcast with what women are talking about. You can subscribe in iTunes or listen here: 

Haven't seen The Handmaids Tale? All Episodes are available for streaming on SBS on Demand.

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