by NATH VALVO
Christmas day is almost here!
That one day a year when (like it or not) you spend hours and hours sitting and standing around with your beloved family members.
Boxing Day is a national public holiday because everyone needs the time to recap Christmas Day and call the relatives they actually like, to bitch about the relatives they don’t like. Who wore what, who was drunk and who has put on weight (for those similar to me who have female siblings, this also happens on Christmas Day during the car ride home).
Now, I want you and your dysfunctional family to enjoy Christmas this year so I have compiled some simple DOs and DON’Ts to help your day look like one of those scenes from a wanky Christmas hamper TV commercial.
Let’s start with the DON’TS…
1. Try and not call anyone by their name. Every year – without fail – I am overwhelmed on arrival at the size of my actual family and always manage to call an aunty or a cousin by the wrong effing name. To safeguard this I will be approaching every family member with phrases like “Look who it is!”, “Hello beautiful”, and my favourite, “As I live and breathe!”
2. Don’t mention anything to do with money. Ever. Sitting three seats away from you is your uncle who made bad business choices a few years ago and still owes a number of people at the table thousands of dollars. Awkward.
3. By god do not say the word ‘sex‘. Mum’s on her sixth white wine and you do not want to hear anything she has to say on this topic. Stay well clear.
4. Don’t ask ANY female relative if they may be pregnant. Even if she is waddling, talking about craving chalk and looks like she’s shoplifting a watermelon under her dress – do not ask. There is a small possibility she is not pregnant. I made this mistake years ago and my cousin has never ever let me forget it. You can never be certain. They may not be. Just don’t. No.
5. Don’t ask big groups of cousins what Santa brought them this year at the same time, the difference in gifts is a little insight as to which families are doing better this year financially. For example: You: “…and what did Santa bring you this year?” Little Johnny: “I got a colouring-in book.” Little Cindy: “I got a plasma!”
6. Also, don’t sit at the head of the table! This is reserved for the older, more respected family members (i.e. the ones that can’t hear anyone anyway).
I hope you’re writing these down, as I move on to the DOs of Christmas Day…