The new season of the US Bachelorette is the answer to your reality TV dreams.

I have to admit, despite partaking in the revelry of the Australian Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, I had yet to make my acquaintance with the big kahuna, the holy grail, the original.

The bat-shit insane American franchise.

But the last season of The Bachelor US changed all that for me. I was hooked.

Just imagine, bigger budget and bigger personalities. A recipe for a hot mess of hilarity and cringe.

Last night was the premiere of The Bachelorette‘s 12th season with 25-year-old JoJo Fletcher the leader of this year’s peen party.

After the devil incarnate Ben Higgins pulled a Blake Garvey level blunder, telling the final two women he loved them BOTH before breaking poor Jojo’s heart, she’s back, ready to find luuuurve.

The Bachelorette season 12

If The Bachelor/ Bachelorette didn't brood on a beach, did the season really happen? Image: ABC

If you're not already sold I'm here to tell you why you need to get on board.

First impressions.

The American public is far more willing to make tools of themselves on international television than any other group of people.

One nameless suitor said it best -- "There are a lot of idiots here." And you're one of them, buddy.


The first guy out of the limo is a firefighter who says he hopes, "Jojo is the one to light his fire." That is just the beginning.

The Canadian tries a terrible line out of a viral video, “Daaaamn, JoJo! Back at it again on The Bachelorette!”

Just... No.

"I give you permission to squeeze my balls," says one gross guy who looks exactly the same as almost every other man there.

How can you NOT watch this train wreck. Image: ABC

One man shows up on a unicorn, one plays a guitar, one drops his palm cards, one guy does the splits, one guy brings an acapella group, one references the devil incarnate Ben Higgins and really bums everyone out.

The producers are on fire.

Jojo is thiiiirsty.

And it's clear why. I am not above objectifying, there are some damn fine dudes here.

As Mic pointed out, Jojo wasn't about to hide how keen she was to date 26 men, shouting "Bring on the men!" as the first limo arrived. And she wasn't reserved in her commentary about her suitors...


Damn straight, Jojo can get it.

The casting.

The occupations, oh the occupations....

There is a guy whose occupation is "hipster".


the bachelorette season 12

Confused hipster. Image: ABC

There is a former Pastor turned Erectile Dysfunction Specialist.

And his pun game is strong.

"I found another way to lift peoples spirits","when men come in they feel really down" and "it's hard work and it's draining".

Lord have mercy.

There is a guy who stayed in a full Santa costume THE ENTIRE NIGHT.

There are usually gag costumes at the start of the evening when the Bachelor/Bachelorette meets their prospective Ps and Vs, even Jojo herself showed up in a unicorn mask for her season. But this takes the cake. Not only did Nick B show up in a Santa costume, he persevered, staying in character through out the entire cocktail party and rose ceremony.


This. Is. Happening. Image: ABC

While repeatedly saying “JoJoJoJo”. Get it...

It's diverse-ish.

There's a half Chinese half Scottish dude who assures us he's Scottish from the waist down (insert dramatic eye roll). Three African-American guys. A really hot Iranian guy. So that's at least five ethnicities up on our season of The Bachelorette.

the bachelorette season 12

So many peens. Image: ABC

They get absolutely hammered.

The producers of this show deserve all manner of unethical awards. A handful of guys get next level intoxicated at the first cocktail party.


One guy actually says the words, "Let's get naked," before stripping off and diving into the pool. Amazing.

The curveballs.

Bom, bom, bommmm. Half way through the rose ceremony the producers summon a faceless, well-shoed man to shake things up. Is it Ben Higgins? Is it Jojo's crazy ex from last season?! No it's the ultimate clickbait. Some random former Bachelor that Jojo kind of knows.

OH BUT THEN, he pulls her aside and says, "I want love..."


"For you," he says, and he wishes her the best of luck with the journey. Vom.

Her eyes are screaming. Image: ABC

So. Many. Alphas.

The shoe is finally on the other foot. It so satisfying to see bunch of competitive men who all think they are top shit, sitting around sizing each other up and bitching. Heaven.

It's free!

Every Tuesday night at 7:30pm, direct from the US on 9life. And you can catch up here. Get cracking, you won't regret it.

Have you watched the US Bachelorette? Hate it or rate it?