By ROSIE WATERLAND
And we open on the girls this week! What is this show? Osher interrupts them as they’re having a very casual ‘just sitting fully-clothed by the pool’ conversation. He reminds the girls that Tim wants to get to know them because interacting with people you don’t know very well is how you get to know them. Ali knows she doesn’t need that advice because she and Tim were married in a past life where they rode sparkly unicorns while holding hands.
Where is Tim? What is happening?
Ahh, here he is! I knew it wouldn’t be long until he did some more contemplative thinking at the beach. Last week’s piano business just felt wrong. And it’s contemplative beach thinking of the chin-up variety! Must be some deep issues to get through. Muscles.
Danni gets the single date. Funnily enough, nobody is happy about that except Danni. Anna says Danni’s the mean girl of the house, but Emily’s hoping Tim will notice that because “Tim’s a really good judge of character, so… hopefully he’ll be judging characters well.”
Tim and Danni’s date is all about the ‘five senses’. Tim isn’t sure what they are so he tries casually digging for clues via his date: “Do you have a sense you’d like to see tantalised?” Danni replies: Giggle giggle giggle “Touch!” giggle giggle giggle giggle.
She’s a producer’s dream.
Obviously we’re heading to this week’s dream destination in another rickety aircraft, because nothing says romance like plummeting to your death with a man who can’t decide between you and 7 other women.
“No guy’s ever lined up a sea-plane trip for me!” Danni exclaims! You should probably thank whoever lined up the sea-plane then, because Tim’s been tied up and hidden under Ali’s Cinderella bed sheets for the last seven days.
Danni declares in a private cutaway that she’s going to turn on the charm and Tim will totes fall for it because “guys are a bit stupid”. She left out “And because BOOBS.”
Back at the house, Emily is getting lots of screen time for no reason. This has generally been the kiss of death for girls we don’t know much about. Something something words annoyed face something something words. Yeah, she is definitely having a breakdown and/or going home this week.
The group-date card arrives. There’s lots of forced laughter/involuntary eye twitching. Penny has taken on the slightly deranged look of one of the women from Hoarders who doesn’t understand why a dead cat under her couch is such a big deal. “I’m not a needy kind of girl. (EYE TWITCH) But come on Timmy. (EYE TWITCH) You can’t just forget me.” Laughter laughter TWITCH TWITCH laughter. We may have a new crazy-eye winner on our hands.
YES. ALI IS BACK BABY! She gets picked for the group-date along with Emily, Sarah and Penny (obviously, or she would have crazy-laughed until blood started coming out of one of her ears).
“I’m really touched that he does want to see me today,” says Emily. Yup. You’re so lucky that a man who is pitting you against 8 other women has given you permission to leave the house he has you locked in all week. What a dream! Anyone else get the feeling this chick is on thin ice?
Back to Danni and Tim. He’s looking forward to “finding out what her inspirations are.” Um… that wasn’t quite the right word was it? C’mon Timmy – you can do it! What’s that other ‘something-ration’ word? Starts with an A… “Her aspirations” There you go!
Ugh. This is boring. My parents divorced words words family job words words etc etc. Tim makes Danni close her eyes as he shoves a spoonful of food in her mouth. Not sure what the surprise is meant to be since she was watching as the waiter put the plate on the table.
All of a sudden we’re sitting on the set of The Bold and Beautiful in the middle of winter. Tim has set up his special kissing two-seater right next to a fireplace because ROMANCE.
Danni seems genuinely shocked that her heart is beating and we spend several minutes watching her say things like “I think you should feel my heart. It’s beating again.” Tim seems just as shocked and he keeps putting his hand on her chest to double check.
They’re just about to call someone for medical assistance when he offers her a rose by romantically rubbing it all over her face. She launches at his tongue. Kissing kissing checking heartbeat kissing kissing.
Danni officially becomes my new favourite player when she comes back to the house and has no problem rubbing her date in all the other girls’ faces. Emily struggles to disguise her fury when she hears about the kiss. She paid damn good money for that Eastern-European pheromone paste and if it doesn’t start working soon she will be taking someone to court.
Putting Ali next to Danni as she describes her make-out sesh is a very, very dangerous move. She handles it surprisingly well though, silently smiling and nodding as she hears about her soul-mate pashing a much less-worthy woman. She probably hasn’t even got a lock of his pubes braided into her own hair! Not fair. He should be pashing someone who works for it.
Before the group-date the next morning, Tim sneaks into the house so he can
see which girls are total uggos without make-up cook breakfast for the girls . The ones who run off give themselves away. Ali’s no dummy though – her wire tap in the producers’ office meant she knew he was coming and she looks suitably radiant. “Didn’t bother me at all,” she says. “I was picturing him at home making me a delicious breakfast.” Anyone who can pretend there aren’t 8 other girls in their underwear trying to come on to their man has some serious brain power.
They crack two eggs, cut up a single mushroom and breakfast is served.
OMFG. The group-date is here and it involves TIM AND PUPPIES. And TIM! And PUPPIES! TIMPUPPIESPUPPIESTIM!!!!! It takes a few minutes for the girls to reattach their ovaries.
“Seeing Tim with a puppy is almost like seeing a really hot, unattached guy with a baby,” says Emily. Almost. Except it’s, you know, a puppy. And the guy is attached to 8 other women. And you’re almost definitely going home this week because this is the most you’ve ever been on camera.
Tim informs the girls that they’re there to play with puppies because
they look ridiculously good nestled next to his biceps it’s important to give back to the community. Apparently they’re guide dog pups so that equals charity.
We watch the girls cleaning up poo because every group date needs a dignity-reducing activity. Ali spends some alone time with Tim in some kind of dog-cleaning facility but she can’t concentrate because there’s human-size cages nearby and she’s mentally measuring Tim’s weight-to-height ratio.
Before they return we have a private cutaway with Penny while she tells the camera that he’s obviously just toying with her by never paying her any attention and he really does have feelings for her like really really and when we do finally get together IT WILL BE EPIC HAHAHAHAHAHA. The camera drops to the floor as the operator sprints away in fear.
Next the girls try to train some of the puppies as Tim measures their ‘
you must be a stay-at-home-mum if you want to be with me’ ‘nurturing ability’. Emily tries to show Tim her ‘lighter side’ but ends up practically abusing a defenceless puppy when it won’t sit for her on command.
Tim starts talking to Penny, but she makes the mistake of touching his arm while Ali is watching. Ali decides desperate action is needed. She pretends to be tangled in the dog-leashes with Sarah. “Oh no! My boobs have fallen on your boobs! Tim! We’re so clumsy! Our boobs are squishing! Come and help us disconnect our boobs!”
Ali. That sly genius.
Penny looks up and all she sees next to her is a gust of wind, as Tim travels at the speed of light to save the girls from their boob-tangle. Penny’s face as she realises she’s been friend-zoned is kind of heartbreaking.
Ali’s brilliant plan pays off – but not for her. Tim decides to take Sarah on a special night-time date. He’s dragged his two-seater into the bush and they sit by a fire words words opening up words words. He gives her a rose. They don’t kiss. The end.
Rose ceremony time!! Oh, and we’ve skipped the cocktail party this evening. Could something big be going down?
Osher will tell us. But first – the maths. There are nine girls. Two have roses. Tim has six roses. There are 7.346 million roses on earth. Divide that by the amount of roses in Australia. Carry the four.
ONE GIRL IS GOING HOME.
Everyone gets through except Penny and Emily.
Tim looks at the last rose. He looks at the girls. He looks at the last rose. He looks at the girls. Has he forgotten what to do? Is he confused about words again? Does he need prompting from Osher?
DRAMA. Tim can’t decide and asks to ‘take a moment’. He walks out. Everyone cries. Penny’s head starts to break open.
Tim isn’t quite sure what to do on the balcony because there’s no beach to look at and he can’t do any serious thinking without a beach.
Eventually he comes back in. He’s not holding a rose. The furniture starts flying as Penny’s Carrie-esque rage-powers take over. Tim asks Emily to go for a walk with him.
WHAT IS HAPPENING? Does he need to tell her privately that he’s given her an STI?
He settles on a place next to the pool because he feels safe near the water. It reminds of him of not having a shirt on. He turns to Emily and says…
“I didn’t want to put you through being up there by yourself tonight. But I need to say goodbye.”
Um, what? That’s IT? Something big better be going down with Penny or I’m going to feel seriously ripped-off.
He walks back inside. He’s not holding a rose. After torturing Penny for weeks is this the ultimate send-off? Are they just making sure she needs to be committed before sending her on her way?
EVERYONE SHUT UP! He’s saying something…
“Penny…” Wait… He’s pulling something from his pants…
It’s a freaking rose.
“Will you accept this rose?”
Penny shrieks with the absolute euphoria of one thousand simultaneous orgasms. The furniture she had hovering on the ceiling with her mind collapses to the ground.
Everyone is bawling.
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” Penny wails, as she throws her hands around him in tears. Um… Why is she thanking him like this is the greatest experience of her life? He was just a total dick who used her self-esteem for ratings because the producers told him to.
What. A. Catch.
Well… that ended up being a disappointing emotional rollercoaster of manufactured drama. Anyone else feel ripped off?
It looks like something interesting is actually going to happen next week though. Danni throws a tantrum or something. Can’t wait!
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