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Warning: Hysterical reading ahead as Rosie re-caps The Bachelor Episode 2.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

And we’re back! Episode two opens with Tim doing some contemplative paddle boarding because love is hard and muscles look nice.

While showering on an outside balcony so he can keep concentrating on the sea, Osher comes in… to tell… the girls… that he and Timmy are total BFFs now and he knows that Tim is definitely here for love.

We then cut to the first of many breakaway shots of Ali because after Jolene left she’s the only one who does anything interesting on camera.

Ali is already insisting she’s not crazy, even though we know there’s a secret shrine in her room covered in Tim’s pubic hair that she cut off secretly in the night with those love potion scissors that she bought off an old hippie in Byron Bay.

Sarah gets the first one-on-one date and is relieved because she’s been missing her boo. “Is it crazy that I miss Tim already?” she asks.

Well, you met him last night, so yes.

Cut to a package of Sarah arranging flowers and sitting alone on the beach staring out to sea (it’s becoming increasingly clear that the producers don’t believe any serious thinking can be done unless one is staring at the ocean). Something something hurt before words words something something etc.

Tim picks her up in a limo and asks if she’s ever been in a private jet. She excitedly squeals, although it was kind of mean to get her hopes up since he’s actually just taking her out in a three-seater plane that looks kind of like it’s one bad flight away from being a wreckage on the island from Lost.

Cut back to the house and Ali gives us our first “I just hope she’s in it for the right reasons” of the season. The producers forget anyone else exists and just spend the next five minutes in an extreme close-up of Ali’s tear-filled crazy eyes.

Cut back to the date. Tim continues to be dull. It’s becoming obvious that he’s nothing but muscles with a head. Offers up some gems such as “Sarah looks great on a horse” and “The fact she asked me personal things proves she really wants to know who I am.” Yep, questions and answers do make up conversations. Well done, Tim.

A close-up shot of some mist floating past the moon indicates the date is going really well. They’re holding hands, which Sarah seems to think is first base. Looks like he may have to work hard for this one.

Back at the house, Dr. Judi “I got the first rose in Australia” is still going on about the fact she got the first rose in Australia. She may also have a medical degree but DUH – PRIORITIES.

Flying back to the house in their three-seater death-trap, Sarah realises that this is a television show: “I might not be the only one,” she says, her face filled with panic. You’re definitely not the only one, sweetie. You’re on The Bachelor. There’s 19 more of you.

Next up we have a group date. Of course Ali’s name is called out last so we can see her eyes reach their ultimate bulging capacity. And because this show is nothing about looks and all about personality, the first group date is a modelling shoot. Natch.

Tim appears and has put different clothes over his muscles, which causes the girls to squeal with dignified delight.

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Dressed in costumes from different genres, Bianca’s 50’s dress gives her a breakdown because it’s the first time she’s ever looked understated. She threatens to go home. Doesn’t.

Tim continues to give us thoughtful insights, telling one girl he made a lamb curry in his slow cooker last night. SO MUCH ROMANCE.

In the first actual unpleasant twist of the evening, two nasty girls begin bullying crazy Ali, and all of a sudden her Big Crazy Eyes look like Sad Disney Princess Eyes and I want to hug her and banish the mean girls to that three-seater death plane. Sad piano music combined with a shot of Princess Ali sitting on her own totally hooks me in. TEAM ALI!

Her crazy quickly returns though when she gets majorly cock-blocked by Emma as she’s sharing a romantic moment with Tim. Booooo! Just let Ali steal a lock of his hair!

So transfixed… By side-boob.

Dani, wearing a transparent ‘20’s dress’ with serious side-boob, is worried that she’s going to choke at this whole ‘being in front of the camera thing.’ We know this because she puts her face in front of the camera and declares: “When there’s a camera in front of my face I just freeze.”

Luckily, Tim feels a strong connection with her transparent dress and serious side-boob Dani, and is only too happy to hold her through this frightening camera challenge, before offering her a rose.

Obligatory cut to a devastated Ali.

One of the bullies then decides that she’s had enough and tells Tim she’s leaving the show, like, FOR GOOD. He seems a bit confused to be getting dumped, although he could also just be trying to work out which one she is. 20 is a big number, okay? She leaves, and just like our Bachelor, I’m still not sure what her name was. Good riddance random bully girl.

We are now closing in on the second rose ceremony. Dr. Judy “I got the first rose in Australia” again mentions that she got the first rose in Australia, before pulling Tim aside to inform him that he gave her the first rose in Australia, just in case he didn’t know. Nobody’s had the heart to tell her yet that she didn’t actually get the first rose out of everyone in the whole of Australia – it was kind of just out of 25 women in this one room. Oh well, she’s a doctor, she’ll figure it out.

In a surprise twist, “can’t decide if they’re Crazy Eyes or Disney Princess Eyes” Ali gets offered the first rose of the ceremony. She floats towards her man in a moment that will be immediately documented in her ALI+TIM 4EVA scrapbook, and she will no doubt return home to freeze-dry the rose and place it in a Beauty and the Beast-style glass case sitting at the end of her bed.

Who really cares about anyone after Ali? Words words tears tears words words etc. Two girls who did nothing ridiculous and therefore got pretty much no screen-time are the ones who get booted.

Next week we’re promised some “Fun In The Sun!” but also “Drama In The Dunes…” You can tell by Osher’s skilful narration that the first one will be HAPPY :):):) and the second one will be SAD :(:(:(.

Looking forward to it…

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