By ROSIE WATERLAND
And we’re back! Episode two opens with Tim doing some contemplative paddle boarding because love is hard and muscles look nice.
While showering on an outside balcony so he can keep concentrating on the sea, Osher comes in… to tell… the girls… that he and Timmy are total BFFs now and he knows that Tim is definitely here for love.
We then cut to the first of many breakaway shots of Ali because after Jolene left she’s the only one who does anything interesting on camera.
Ali is already insisting she’s not crazy, even though we know there’s a secret shrine in her room covered in Tim’s pubic hair that she cut off secretly in the night with those love potion scissors that she bought off an old hippie in Byron Bay.
Sarah gets the first one-on-one date and is relieved because she’s been missing her boo. “Is it crazy that I miss Tim already?” she asks.
Well, you met him last night, so yes.
Cut to a package of Sarah arranging flowers and sitting alone on the beach staring out to sea (it’s becoming increasingly clear that the producers don’t believe any serious thinking can be done unless one is staring at the ocean). Something something hurt before words words something something etc.
Tim picks her up in a limo and asks if she’s ever been in a private jet. She excitedly squeals, although it was kind of mean to get her hopes up since he’s actually just taking her out in a three-seater plane that looks kind of like it’s one bad flight away from being a wreckage on the island from Lost.
Cut back to the house and Ali gives us our first “I just hope she’s in it for the right reasons” of the season. The producers forget anyone else exists and just spend the next five minutes in an extreme close-up of Ali’s tear-filled crazy eyes.
Cut back to the date. Tim continues to be dull. It’s becoming obvious that he’s nothing but muscles with a head. Offers up some gems such as “Sarah looks great on a horse” and “The fact she asked me personal things proves she really wants to know who I am.” Yep, questions and answers do make up conversations. Well done, Tim.
A close-up shot of some mist floating past the moon indicates the date is going really well. They’re holding hands, which Sarah seems to think is first base. Looks like he may have to work hard for this one.
Back at the house, Dr. Judi “I got the first rose in Australia” is still going on about the fact she got the first rose in Australia. She may also have a medical degree but DUH – PRIORITIES.
Flying back to the house in their three-seater death-trap, Sarah realises that this is a television show: “I might not be the only one,” she says, her face filled with panic. You’re definitely not the only one, sweetie. You’re on The Bachelor. There’s 19 more of you.
Next up we have a group date. Of course Ali’s name is called out last so we can see her eyes reach their ultimate bulging capacity. And because this show is nothing about looks and all about personality, the first group date is a modelling shoot. Natch.
Tim appears and has put different clothes over his muscles, which causes the girls to squeal with dignified delight.