Rosie Reviews: Did sex just happen on The Bachelor?

By ROSIE WATERLAND

I’m worried about Bachie. This is the second night in a row we haven’t seen him jogging shirtless on the beach. Or holding up a heavy newspaper with his bulging businessman biceps. I hope he’s okay. Why does he keep forcing us to watch the girls ‘casually’ hanging out in the house they’re definitely not trapped in? Is he stuck on a word in his reading group’s latest Goosebumps novel?

Osher can keep things moving forward when Bachie’s not around, but he can only spend so long away from the vitamin-infused hyperbaric chamber he got from Global Shop Direct before his hair starts to wilt. It’s really unfair of Channel Ten to work him so hard. Especially since he used to know Mark Holden.

#SaveOsher

Oshie leaves two date cards with the girls. Gushica gets the single date and… Well, remember that moment in Week 1, when she was still Jessica, and she gushed so much that she shed her skin and became Gushica?

We just reached Gushica 2.0, people – Anne-Hathaway level gushing.

She cannot even deal with hearing her name called out for a single date. Gushica’s gushing reaches fever-pitch. Peak gush is a thing of the past. This is MEGA-GUSH:

I think we may have just witnessed a Gushica orgasm.

She’s going to need some time to revoer.

GROUP DATE TIME!

And we’re on a yacht. About freaking time. Bachie enters in sexy Bachie boardies and much squealing ensues. It’s obvious now that he was a no-show this morning because he was oiling up. Probably with some of the skin-protecting vaseline he found in Osher’s hair-dying room. Shhhh – don’t tell Oshie.

Six lucky girls have been chosen for the honour of wearing a bikini on a boat with Bachie. Chantal and Mary are immediately in the bad-books because they’re wearing one-pieces. How is Bachie meant to get to know them like that? Silly girls.

Closet Bogan Sam is pulled aside for some special ‘sunscreen-applying time’. Apparently they need to do this lying down on a sun-bed. And I’m not exactly sure what Bachie thinks sunscreen is, but by the way he’s slowly rubbing it on her back, I’m fairly certain a cheeky producer told him it was a sex thing:

He just keeps rubbing and rubbing and rubbing… It’s like the first 2 minutes of a female-friendly porn, where everybody is still pretending that things are sensual and romantic before suddenly cutting to a shot of a girl getting pounded from behind.

Sam says she’s finding it hard to open up to him because of his nine other girlfriends. Bachie says she really needs to stress less about his nine other girlfriends.

PROBLEM SOLVED. Sam is in love. Bachie rewards her with a rose.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

It looks like the producers have decided to see how far Gushica’s gushing can be pushed before her brain starts leaking out of her ears. She tries to keep her gushing in check by slow-blinking and calling everything ‘beautiful’.

“That is such a beautiful car.”

*Slow Blink*

“What a beautiful steam train.”

*Slow Blink*

“What a beautiful footpath leading to the steam train.”

*Slow Blink*

She says she’s dreamed about going on a steam train since she was a little girl, and she can’t believe Bachie is so perceptive that he would know to organise a steam train-date based on her lifelong dream. Probably lucky she didn’t grow up dreaming about ethnic cleansing then.

Cut back to the house and girls are talking about – Oh, wait. I don’t give a shit.

Back on the date, we are basically just watching two people engaged in a lot of forehead touching and slow blinking. SO. MUCH. SLOW. BLINKING. Touching foreheads and slow-blinking may actually be what Gushica thinks sex is. She keeps connecting her forehead with Bachie’s, then leaning back and saying how meaningful it was.

They sit in a row boat. Slow blink. Gush. Touch foreheads. Gush. Slow blink. Gush. He gives her a rose. She gushes. End date.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Highlights:

Lipstick Louise is not wearing lipstick and the subject of her ‘new look’ is given more air-time than most news segments on Syria. Bachie is much confused – he thinks she is a new girl and takes her for a private chat so he can get to know her. He likes her. Better than that weird girl with the lipstick.

Lisa, who is normal and thus rarely on camera, gets a sneaky kiss.

Gushica bumps into Bachie in a hallway, but they decide not to have slow-blinking forehead sex because all the other ladies are watching.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Osher’s hair is looking particularly glorious this evening, but before we have adequate time to bask in the glow of its physics-defying wonder, he is explaining the rose maths that gets more complicated every week:

If Bachie starts off with 24 girlfriends, and each of those girlfriends rides for 45 seconds on the mechanical bull while Bachie runs ten miles on the beach while contemplating life, how many Dirty Street Pies does Sally buy at the corner store?

The answer is two. Two girls are going home tonight. Dirty Street Pie.

Two of ‘The Others’ get booted. I don’t know their names. They are placed into limos and driven home to their proud families.

Nine girls remain!

Meanwhile…

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PS – Rosie will be doing a live chat on Mamamia Facebook during next Wednesday night’s episode of The Bachelor. So if you’ve got something you’d like to ask her about Bachie Wiggum, Osher’s hair or Dirty Street Pies, make sure you’re on Mamamia Facebook from 7:30-8:30pm on Wednesday September 10. #DirtyStreetPie

 

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