"The Bachelor 2019 applications are officially open. I applied so you'll know what to expect."

In the spirit of transparency, I should tell you…

If Beyonce asked me to put my hand up, I would not. Because I am not a single lady.

But in the interest of lifting other women up, I thought I’d do all the actual single ladies out there a solid and give you a heads up on what you can expect if you’ve been thinking about applying for The Bachelor 2019.

I’m also a Bachelor tragic, so when Osher’s hopeful, optimistic face popped up in my news feed, I couldn’t resist.

Our conversation went something like this:

Osher: Are you looking to find love?

Me: I’ve kind of already found it…

Osher: GREAT! Because a life-changing opportunity awaits.

Me: Are you sure, Osh-

Osher: Just fill out the bloody application. Please.

So I did. Under duress, sure, but I did it.

After filling out all my fake details, I was directed to the questionnaire that would determine if I would be compatible with reality TV ratings The Bachelor. And it got… weird.

1. Clothing

It was great to see the production team have their priorities straight because my dress and shoe size are the most important thing about me.

I begrudgingly disclosed my dress and shoe size. They also gave me this huge box to fill in my height.

2. Your Profile

Once all the necessary metrics to roughly calculate my BMI were gathered, they then wanted to know about my personality. How sweet.

What is your best feature?

My personality, duh.

What is your worst feature?

I'd rather not say.

Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they?

None.

When did you last cry and why?

This morning on the train.

What makes you happy & sad?

Sorry to be annoying but did you mean happy and sad? Or happy, and sad? Just checking.

3. Employment

This section contained three questions, but really, we only needed one:

Are you looking to launch a lifestyle blog? Y/N

4. Family/Friends

Next I had to talk about my mates.

What we like to do together (pillow fights), what my best friend's name is and why I love them (Elsie, she's fluffy and cuddly), how my friends would describe me (flawless) and what they find most irritating about me (I'm too generous).

Then, my family - for the home town visits, of course.

Do I have any pregnant relatives?

Do any of your cousins look like George?

Could someone have a baby that looks like George in the near future? (Okay, the last two were made up... but still. We all know what they're *really* asking.)

5. Relationships

This entire section made me feel uncomfortable. Partly because they wanted to know how many, uh, Ps have been in my V, and if I have an skeletons in my closest but also the THIS QUESTION IS MANDATORY bit felt kind of aggressive.

And honestly, this question stumped me.

6. Future Partner

Only at this stage did they want to know about what I'm looking for in a partner, which is odd because, that's the premise of... the entire... show?

I let it go, because I realised this was probably the most boring part of the whole questionnaire.

Describe your ideal partner? What are you searching for in a partner? What qualities do you look for? Would you be down if your partner wanted to be in an open relationship?

Wait. What?

7. Life

This is the bit where your character's entire story line is plotted out.

Do you have any fears/phobias? = What can we exploit for our benefit?

What are they and how do you react? = Will this make good telly?

Are you afraid of heights? = Insert opportunity for Bachelor to show he can be both masculine and sensitive on top of the SCG.

If you were meeting the Bachelor or a Bachelorette for the first time on the red carpet, what would be the first thing you would say to him/her? = Is she a stand out, or 'chuck her in the 30 second montage' kind of girl?

8. Medical/Background

Oh yeah, and we also need to know if you're a psycho, convicted felon or have any contagious diseases.

9. The Show

To finish things off, Osher wanted to know the why behind it all. Why was I applying? Why now? Why does it feel right?

Also, if I had to choose a former Bachelor contestant to compare myself with, who would it be?

Hmmmmm.

Then, I uploaded two photos and BOOM.

I'd entered the draw to win a former Bachelorette contestant's heart.

Here's hoping it's... not the Honey Badger... again.

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