The Adults Only Guide to Parenting

A complete guide to all things parenting.

A is for Anxiety, a feeling of which you will become most accustomed to on arrival of your bundle of joy, and one which you can expect to continue for eternity.  There is no real cure recommended for this, other than always ensuring the fridge is fully stocked with alcohol and chocolate. Hence, A is also for Absinthe.

B is for Battles, something of which you will become an expert in, particularly when in a public place such as the supermarket, relatives’ homes or, even better, the library where everyone else is enjoying some ‘quiet’ time.  B is also for Beer.

C is for Crying, and there will be lots of it, some from your little one naturally, but the majority of it from you!  C is also for Cocktails.

D is for Dragging, a motion that you will practice on a regular basis when darling angel makes like a rock and refuses to move.  Again, this is usually put into practice in a public forum where you can be watched and judged by others.  D is also for Daiquiri.

E is for Encouragement, even if it is the 200^th time you have watched him/her going down the slide!  Remember to smile, clap and praise accordingly!  E is also for Expresso Martini.

F is for Fleeing, something of which you will want to do on a regular basis, usually towards the pub, bottle shop or airport!  F is also for French Champagne!

G is for Guessing, through the power of such you will be able to decipher if your newborn baby is hungry, thirsty, tired or sick.  G is also for Gin!

Related: The holy grail of parenting

H is for Hungry, a feeling that you will get used to as you forget to eat, despite preparing a mammoth assortment of snacks and lunch options for your precious one, the majority of which you will then chuck out.  H is also for Harvey Wallbanger.

I is for Ice Cream, a food group all by itself and suitable for use at times of bribery, reward and accidents!  I is also for Irish Coffee.

J is for Jumping, off tables, sofas, steps and anything more than a metre off the ground.  J is also for Jack Daniels.

K is for Kissing, the action that your child will quickly learn to use to their advantage in getting their own way as well as being forgiven for all manner of sins and destruction caused round your house.  In theory, this is totally their ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card! You have been warned!  K is also for Kahlua.

L is for Listening, an important skill that you will endlessly aim to teach your child, usually with little success.  L is also for Long Island Iced Tea.

M is for McDonalds, every honest Mother’s friend. M is also for Mojito!

N is for Night time, a time at which you will reach for wine, and a big glass of it.  Oh, in between several trips in response to requests for more stories, cuddles, snacks, water and milk that is!  N is also for Nut Schnapps.

O is for Octomum, just as a reminder that things could always be worse!  O is also for Ouzo!

P is for Puke and Poo, substances of which you will grow amazingly immune to cleaning up.  P is also for Pinot.

Related: Parenting with minimum yelling

Q is for Quiet…..erm, I am struggling with this one sorry! Q is also hard to find an alcoholic drink for so, in this instance, Q is for what you stand in at the bottle shop while waiting to purchase your alcohol!

R is for Rested, a feeling you will never expect to experience again.  R is also for Red Wine.

S is for Snot, a substance that seemingly flows endlessly and has a habit of ending up all over your clothes, particularly when you are wearing black and attending an important event or interview.  S is for Sangria!

T is for Toys, in every cupboard, on every bookshelf, in the dishwasher, down the toilet and in your bed.  Having Gordon and Thomas in your bed will certainly bring a whole new meaning to a threesome let me tell you!  T is also for Tequila (and Terrible hangover!).

U is for Understanding, an emotion of which you will have to demonstrate on a regular basis, despite the fact that your clean walls are now covered in crayon, the dog has just been fed a lovingly prepared dinner and your best new top has been used for dress ups.  U is also for Upside Down Martini (apparently!).

V is for Victory, a feeling experienced after 5 hours of settling your child to sleep and sitting back with a goblet of wine.  V is also for Vodka!

W is for Whinging, a sound to which you will become accustomed and learn to tune out.  W is also for wine!!!! And LOTS of it!

X is for X-Ray, predictable I know but no doubt something that you will have to undertake with your offspring at some point as they attempt to defy gravity, recreate stunt scenes or fall over at a sporting event.  X is also for Xingu (A Brazilian beer – I do admit to resorting to Google for this one!).

Y is for You and remembering that sometimes to be the best you can be, you need to think about YOU!  Y is also for Yagermeister – for people who spell phonetically!

Z is for Zzzzzz, a full night of which you will never experience again….or at least not for the first few years!  Z is also for Zinfandel Wine.

Jo is a 30 something wannabe yummy Mummy living in Sydney.  If she had free time she would enjoy eating chocolate, thinking about dieting, eating ice-cream, pondering over gym memberships and drinking alcohol! You can check out her blog at here or follow her on twitter at @hartley_jo