Welcome to ‘What Would You Do?’, the space on Mamamia where you can contact me with your problems about anything and everything and ask me, well, what I would do. Consider it my selfless Oprah-esque gift to all of humanity. You’re welcome.
But be warned, I’m not one to beat around the bush. I tell it like it is. I call ’em like I see ’em. I’m a straight shooter. Cliche cliche etc etc sassy advice cliche.
Let’s get into it:
Rosie, Rosie, Rosie – Please talk me out of becoming a vain idiot.
I’m (cough), a bit older than I used to be and I’m finding myself spending more moments than I should looking in the mirror and pulling my skin tight across my face, or holding my chin up with my hands, or puffing out my top lip to rid it of lines. I don’t feel old, but I look old, and I see all these women who are a similar age around me who look like they’ve been ironed on a hot setting. Help. I’m this close to taking out a loan, calling a clinic and becoming a vain fool.
Let’s be straight up here: Virtually every woman who gets Botox goes freaking bat-shit cray. We know this because virtually every woman who gets Botox walks around making a point of telling everybody that she ‘just gets a lot of sleep’ and drinks daily green vege-vomit from a mason jar.
NOBODY BELIEVES YOU CRAZY LADY.
When confronted with the dreaded Botox question, said lady will always attempt to raise her eyebrows in offended surprise. Which of course, she sadly cannot.
Botox is like the gateway drug of plastic surgery – and we all now how gateway drugs end up. One second you’re accepting a pot brownie at a party, and the next, you’re sitting on the floor of a crack den talking about existentialism in Home and Away with a purple unicorn called Jesus.
And if Botox is the pot brownie in that scenario, then the purple unicorn is getting paid by A Current Affair to talk about how you spent $79,000 trying to look like Sharon Stone in that movie where she flashes her lady-garden.
So I guess my point here Anon, is that it’s a slippery slope. In 90% of people, the Botox injection also fills your brain with some kind of ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ potion, which makes it impossible for you to tell when it’s time to back away from the needle.
If you want to do it, go for it, but keep an honest friend on speed dial who has no problem telling you that a dimple in your chin will actually just look like a bumhole on your face.